Marzipanland

Miniature Neapolitan Ice Cream Cakes

2011-04-15T13:05:00.005-04:00

Passover's coming, and I (as usual) had cake in the freezer that I wanted to use up. I thought it might be fun to do some teeny ice cream cakes, so I went to the store and bought a half-gallon of Breyer's Neapolitan. I was waaaaay too lazy to make my own today.

Anyway, I had some chocolate and yellow cake layers and used a biscuit cutter to make six rounds of each flavor. By the way, I apologize for the lousy photography, but I was in a hurry trying to keep everything cold.

I then sliced each round in half so they wouldn't be so thick, giving me a dozen each of yellow and chocolate.

I worked with the cake frozen to keep it sturdy. You will have to work quickly to keep things chilly, keeping whatever you're not working with at the moment in the freezer. I started with a round of chocolate cake. I scooped a lump of vanilla ice cream into my hand, and worked very quickly to squash it into a rough-looking patty and stuck it on the chocolate cakes, then put the whole tray into the freezer.

Next, a chocolate ice cream patty on a yellow cake round. Then strawberry on chocolate. I built the cakes in the freezer to keep everything cold, squishing them a bit as I stacked the layers, and topping the strawberry ice cream with a yellow cake round.

I left the cakes to harden in the freezer for about an hour, then frosted them with the chocolate frosting at the bottom of this page, removing only the one being frosted from the freezer. I put in extra milk to make the frosting easier to spread. I did consider using a glaze or ganache because they are so silky, but I wanted to recreate that birthday party flavor of cake, ice cream, and a classic frosting all together in your mouth. Top with sprinkles and a cherry.

Voila!

Leave them in the freezer until ready to serve.

Vegan Shabbat Dinner

2011-04-02T08:44:00.033-04:00

Our friend Jessica, who is vegan, joined us for Shabbat dinner last night. She assured me that I could merely do a vegetarian dinner, but I liked the idea of trying to create a fully vegan meal. I decided on challah, manicotti, pureed cauliflower, steamed asparagus dressed with sea salt and a spritz of olive oil, and a chocolate strawberry cake.

My normal challah recipe is Maggie Glezer's Chernowitzer recipe, which is nearly as rich as brioche. But I've been wanting something less decadent for a while now, and thought this would be a great excuse to fool around with a water challah recipe. Incidentally, I use King Arthur flour and Florida Crystals sugar in all my baking. They are vegan, having not been bleached with bone char. After playing for a bit, here's the recipe I came up with:

1 envelope (2 1/4 teaspoons) yeast
4 cups flour
225 ml (1 cup minus 1 tablespoon) warm water
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
3 tablespoons sugar
1/4 cup vegetable oil

Mix the yeast, salt, and one cup of flour in a bowl. Add the water, whisking until a smooth sort of sludge forms. Allow it to sit for about 10 minutes, or until it looks rather puffy. Then add the remaining ingredients. Knead either by hand, food processor, or stand mixer until a smooth, satiny ball forms. It should be slightly sticky, like Play-Doh. Sprinkle with some more warm water if too stiff, or a few tablespoons of flour if too sticky.

Place dough in a clean, warm bowl and cover with plastic wrap. Allow to rise about two hours, or until at least doubled in size. A good idea is to run the dishwasher, then let the dough ferment in the wet heat with the door shut after the cycle is done.

Shape the dough as desired (I do two three-strand braids) and allow to proof on a baking sheet. The loaves are ready when they have roughly tripled in size, and the dough doesn't spring back when poked with a finger. Bake for 20 minutes at 350F.

The results were so good that this now going to be my new go-to challah recipe. I may try baking it at a lower temperature though, maybe 300. I'm also eager to see how it works with whole wheat.

Now the manicotti. Naturally, I wanted a filling that would be reminiscent of ricotta cheese. I thought a combination of silken tofu and cannellini might do the trick. I drained and rinsed a can, then added them to the food processor with a block of silken tofu. I also put in one tablespoon each of dried oregano and dried basil. My daughter sampled the results and pronounced them "too beany." Alas, I had to agree. It was disappointingly hummus-like. So then I used a potato masher to roughly crumble a block of extra firm tofu. I folded the crumbles along with two teaspoons of unflavored almond milk into my bean puree. Success! The texture was awesome, and the flavor was mild, herbal, and ever so slightly sweet. Next time, though, I think I'll just puree half the silken tofu and crumble to other half with the firm.

I boiled the manicotti for 7 minutes then drained and rinsed them. Using a pastry bag, I filled 14 with my faux ricotta. I then spread about a cup of tomato sauce (I like Muir Glen's basil one when I'm too lazy to make my own) over the bottom of a 9x13 glass pan. I nestled the filled shells in, then topped them generously with more sauce.

Because I made them early in the day, I covered the pan with foil and stuck it in the fridge. I later reheated the covered pan for 30 minutes at 350. The results, if I may say so, were delicious. My son at two shells and my daughter ate three.

Pureed cauliflower is one of my favorite sides. It has a similar comfort-food quality to mashed potatoes, but without the starch and fat. The flavorings are a matter of personal taste,but here's my favorite combo.The measurements are approximate.

Begin by thawing two 1-pound bag of frozen cauliflower florets. Put them in a pot with about 1 cup of vegetable stock, and simmer until the cauliflower is tender but not soft. Add the stock and cauliflower to the bowl of a food processor, pureeing in batches if necessary. Add the juice of one lemon, 1/4 cup olive oil, pepper, and a pinch of kosher salt to taste. Puree until smooth. Serve warm.

I knew I wanted a decadent chocolate cake for dessert. I had once read a recipe for a vegan chocolate cake in a 40's cookbook (eggs and milk were scarce) and remembered it being extremely moist. I used Hershey's Special Dark cocoa powder for the cake and frosting, as the dutched powder adds so much depth and flavor, a particularly good idea when not using eggs or butter.

I found this recipe online, and it is identical to the one in that old cookbook. I doubled the recipe and made it in my Kitchen Aid. I poured the batter into two round 9 inch pans, and baked it for 30 minutes. The top was quite sticky, but a toothpick revealed the crumb to be firmly set.

The frosting was a bit trickier. Many vegan frosting recipes contain margarine, which I strongly dislike. A little hunting turned up this one, which seemed quite promising. After reading the user comments, I decided to turn the burner off as soon as the mixture came to a boil so that it wouldn't get too thick. This turned out to be a wise choice, as it was sill slightly thick and required thinning with a bit of almond milk. But I must say, the flavor was excellent and the texture silky-smooth. I could detect some of the corn starch flavor, but no one else picked up on it. Still, I may try it again with 5 tablespoons instead of six.

I spread one cooled layer of cake with the frosting, then added a layer of sliced strawberries.

I added a very thin layer of frosting to the top of the strawberries for glue, then placed the second layer of cake on top. I covered the whole thing with frosting, the decorated the top with fresh strawberries.

It was an outstanding cake. It was velvety and moist with rich, fudgy frosting and a lovely crumb that sliced beautifully. I advise trying it even if you're not vegan.

In Which I Pickle And Can Some Beets

2010-09-01T08:16:00.010-04:00

I like beets a lot. The problem with them is that many people have only encountered beets as those sodden, mushy slices available at salad bars, pinkening the baby corn with their drippings. And they often taste like dirt and metal. Which is a sad fate for the noble and delicious beet.

According to the interwebs:

Garden-beet is very low in calories (contain only 45 kcal/100 g) and fat; but is very rich in dietary fiber, vitamins and minerals.

The root is rich source of phytochemical compound Glycine betaine. Betaine has the property of lowering homocysteine levels in the blood. Homocysteine, one of highly toxic metabolite, promotes platelet clot as well as atherosclerotic-plaque formation which is otherwise can be harmful to blood vessels. High levels of homocystiene in the blood results in the development of coronary heart disease (CHD), stroke and peripheral vascular diseases.
Raw beets are an excellent source of folates; contains about 109 mcg/100 g ( Provides 27% of RDA). However, extensive cooking may significantly depletes its level in food. Folates are necessary for DNA synthesis in the cells. When given during peri-conception period folates can prevent neural tube defects in the baby.
It contains significant amounts of vitamin-C, one of the powerful natural antioxidant which helps body scavenge deleterious free radicals one of the reasons for cancers development.
Beet’s green leaves (tops) are an excellent source of carotenoids, flavonoid anti-oxidants and vitamin A; contain these compounds several times more than that of in the roots.Vitamin A is required maintaining healthy mucus membranes and skin and is also essential for vision. Consumption of natural vegetables rich in flavonoids helps to protect from lung and oral cavity cancers.
The root is also rich source of Niacin (vit B-3), Pantothenic acid (vit.B-5), Pyridoxine (vit.B-6) and carotenoids, and minerals such as iron, manganese and magnesium.
In addition, this root veggie indeed has very good levels of potassium. 100 g fresh root has 325 mg of potassium or 7% of daily requirements. Potassium lowers heart rate and regulates metabolism inside the cells by countering detrimental effects of sodium.

So, as you can see, beets are our friends and deserve better.

On the last day of our mountain vacation a couple of weeks ago, AlmondBoy picked 3 pounds of beautiful beets from our friends' garden. I debated what to do with them. Mr. Marzipan loves borscht, but our host remarked upon how he enjoys pickled beets and so I figured it might be neat for him to get a jar of his own beets in the mail as a thank-you. They're also highly flavorful and make a great addition to salads, negating the need for high-fat condiments.

The morning after we got home from our trip, I cut the greens from the beets and trimmed the roots. It is important to leave the taproot intact when you're cooking beets or else all of the color will leach out. And leave the base of the leaves on as well, Basically, your beet should look rather like a human heart. Do not peel the beets. You'll slip the skins, roots, and tops off after they've cooked.

Place the beets in boiling salted water. They'll need roughly 30-40 minutes to cook, but you'll know they're done when you can easily poke a knife through.

While you are cooking and preparing the beets, make your pickling solution. Pickling solution is a high-acid brine that will preserve your food. It is not necessary to can these beets, and you can just keep them in the fridge if you like. But I like to cook in bulk when possible, so canning and freezing are handy. I used this recipe for the brine. It was heavenly. The recipe is for 1 pound of beets, and I had 3. I actually made a quadruple batch of solution to ensure I'd have enough to fill the jars. If you're not canning, a 1:1 ratio is fine.

Once they are sufficiently tender, remove the beets to the sink, drain, and allow to cool.

Once the beets have cooled enough, pick them up and slip the skins off with your fingers. It is very fun to do, actually.

Chop the beets into cubes.

If you are canning, put the cubes into the strained brine and bring back to a boil. If not, just pour the strained marinade over the beets and put everything in the fridge.

Canning The Beets

I don't have a high pressure canner yet and therefore use the open bath method. Which is a fancy way of saying I can using a big pot of boiling water. I also never got around to buying canning tongs and just use use two pairs of silicon-tipped kitchen tongs. It works find for me, but canning tongs really are better. When you do open bath canning, make sure the jars stay covered with water at all times or the pressure gradient will cause an explosion.

Here is a good link to canning beets. Scroll down to step 11 as the first 10 steps deal with trimming, cooking, and making the brine. (The brine recipe I used is vastly superior.) They have their brine and beets separate, but you can use your combined and boiling mixture.

My 3 pounds of beets yielded 5 jars. I apologize for not taking pictures of the brinemaking and the canning process, but I kind of forgot.

In Which I Make Some Pizzas

2010-08-24T13:31:00.019-04:00

I love making pizza. It's cheap, it's easy, and it can double as a craft for bored children. It's clay, it's finger paint, it's confetti. Pizza dough also freezes beautifully, providing an excellent make-ahead dinner. Just pull the frozen dough out in the morning, unwrap it, stick it in a covered bowl, and it will be thawed and risen in plenty of time for dinner. I'm always a bit bemused when people act like I'm making handcrafted croquenbouche towers from scratch when I mention making my own pizza. Anyone can do it, and for a small investment, you'll have all of the equipment you'll ever need need.

First, a pizza stone. You can spend a lot on a very high end one, you can spend between $10-$40 at a store like Target, or you can get unglazed (glazed ones can contain lead, so ask) terra cotta tile from the garden center for like $2 apiece. They're all fine, but thicker is better. Mine was around $50 and has lasted me a decade. I use it at least twice a week for a variety of baking needs but if I had known about the terra cotta tiles, I'd have one of those.

Next, a pizza pan. I strongly recommend that you get one that lets air flow through, like this one.

Okay! Now you need some pizza crust. There are two recipes I like to use. The first is my own whole wheat crust recipe, and I have never once had anyone complain about the texture. I served it to four children today and they all had at least two pieces. It is chewy rather than dense. The second recipe is based on the (delicious and brilliant) No-Knead Bread craze.

Here's a quick tutorial on dough: dough gets chewy and delicious because of gluten. Gluten is the protein in flour, and it's what differentiates things like cake and pastry flour (low gluten) from bread flour (high gluten). You can think of the gluten as being like chewing gum. It starts out as being soft and flexible but as it gets worked, it gets hard and stretchy, just like your Bubble Yum. It's why dessert recipes will often direct you to mix things until "just combined." Overworking a cake batter builds up gluten and you get tough cake. (Or cookies, or pie crust.)

All-purpose flour has 11% gluten, making it suitable for most day-to-day uses. It's what I buy (King Arthur Unbleached), and I alter as needed. It's too annoying to keep track of a bunch of extra flours beyond white, wheat, and anything specialty like rye. There's something known as "baker's math" but here's a basic approach that is pretty much no-fail. To substitute AP flour when cake flour is needed, remove two tablespoons per cup. So if a recipe calls for 1 cup of cake flour, measure one cup of AP and then take out two tablespoons. For bread flour, use the amount of AP flour called for and then 1.5 teaspoons of wheat gluten per cup. You can get wheat gluten at most grocery stores in the baking aisle and it's a little spendy, but it lasts a long time and comes out way cheaper than paying a premium for bread flour.

But in breads, we usually seek that chewiness and it's why we knead doughs and let them rise. Time and energy make for chewy gluten, and gluten will also give your bread a better rise. The first recipe relies primarily on kneading, the second on time. So! Here we go. I'm going to share the recipes first, then discuss shaping and baking because they're both done the same way.

Whole Wheat Crust

1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup vital wheat gluten
2 cups whole wheat flour
1 2/3 cups warm water
1 1/2 teaspoons yeast
1 1/4 teaspoons sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 tablespoon olive oil, more if needed

Mix first four ingredients together, then knead for 5 minutes. (I use the dough hook in my Kitchen Aid.) Dough will be veeery sticky and wet, but do not add more flour. Allow to rest for 20 minutes.

After the dough is done resting, add the next three ingredients and knead the dough for ten minutes.

Coat a clean bowl with the tablespoon of olive oil and transfer the dough to the bowl, turning to coat it with the oil and prevent sticking. Add more if you need it.

Cover and allow to rise for about two hours or until the dough has at least doubled in size.

No-Knead Crust

Follow this link and do what they say.

***

Both of these recipes generate two pizzas each at our house. There are benefits to both hand-stretching and rolling dough, and I'll just let it come down to your preference. But here's a good tutorial on hand-stretching.

Sprinkle the counter with a little flour - just enough so it doesn't stick because too much will spoil your dough, plop half the dough on the flour, and either roll it out with a wooden rolling pin (the tapered dowel kind are the best in my book) or shape it with your hands. Spritz your pan with a little nonstick spray, then transfer your dough. Repeat with the other half.

***

So now we come to tomato sauce. There are many options out there. You can make your own from scratch, which I like to do when I can/feel like it/have tomatoes handy, but it's not always an option. There's good stuff available in jars too. But I think the best of both worlds is what I like to call Half-Assed Homeade Sauce.

Half-Assed Homemade Pizza Sauce

28 ounces crushed or whole peeled tomatoes (info on BPA in cans here, if you're interested)
Fresh or dried herbs to suit your taste (I use rosemary, oregano, basil, marjoram - Italian seasoning, basically)
1 - 2 tablespoons of olive oil, whatever your preference

Okay, this is so easy you'll kick yourself. If you're using whole tomatoes, you can heat them and stir to break up the pieces or just pour the tomatoes and juice into the food processor.

Take your dough, which you have rolled out and placed on your pan ->

Drizzle it with the olive oil ->

Sprinkle some herbs on top ->

Pour on however much liquefied tomatoes you like ->

Use your fingers to paint it all together on the crust ->

Voila! Sauce.

***

Now what? Well, the best pizzas come from very hot ovens. So I preheat my oven (and the pizza stone, which lives and works on the floor of my oven) at 500F for at least half an hour before I bake. One it's done heating, I place the sauced crust (and pan) on the pizza stone for 8 minutes.

No, I didn't forget the cheese. Putting the cheese on too early will give you one of two results in a home oven because they're nowhere near the temperatures of pizzeria ovens: Either underbaked, bland crust or burnt cheese.

Then I remove it and put the cheese on top. Fresh mozzarella is better, but kids like to sprinkle the grated stuff, so we usually go for that. Okay, now comes the tricky part. You want to get the parbaked pizza off the pan and onto the middle rack of your oven. I do it with a little wrist-flicking motion, but you can also use a spatula or tongs to help. Bake like that for about 5 minutes, or until the cheese is brown and bubbling.

Slide the pizza back onto the pan, allow to cool for a few minutes, then slice and serve!

The whole pizza at the top is a no-knead crust. Here's a side view of the whole wheat crust, which you can see has risen almost like a white flour one. AlmondGirl ate 5 pieces today. She has also apparently been sneaking up to Boston because she told me lunch was "wicked awesome."

In Which I Am Tired Of Giving A Crap

2010-08-22T21:44:00.008-04:00

I care about a lot of stuff. Sometimes it is overwhelming, to be honest. I recycle and compost and buy as much organic/grassfed/locavore/sustainably farmed/humanely slaughtered food as I can. I clean with earth-friendly products when possible and I shop at consignment/secondhand shops a lot to avoid contributing to mass consumption of goods. I read articles about parabens and BPA and sulfates and now even buying shampoo and canned tomatoes can be exhausting. A friend with a fledgeling Mary Kay business reached out to me to see if I'd host a party, but the cosmetics are so full of chemicals I'm trying to avoid that I had to decline, so now I feel like the asshole who stole her pink Cadillac and used it to run over her dreams.

But it all really matters to me. It matters a lot for a whole bunch of reasons and even though my daughter's kindergarten teacher had to have a talk with her about why it is inappropriate to discuss the factory-farmed meat at McDonald's with the rest of the students, I am proud to be raising socially aware little people. (Secretly, I can't wait to hear when happens when she goes to school in November and says, "Mama is out of town deer hunting this weekend because deer are such a sustainable form of meat.")

Honestly, it's a good thing they're pretty kids because they're destined to be weird.

Right now we're having a dilemma over the Boy Scouts. On a local level, I think the Boy Scouts are awesome. AlmondBoy - aside from the nail polish and love of Disney Princesses - is your Classic Model of boy. He likes hitting things with other things and cars and explosions and mud and frogs and...I don't know. Stereotypical Y-chromosome junk. But on a national level, the anti-gay policies of the Boy Scouts repulse and anger me. And so Mr. Marzipan and I are not going to let him join. Which sucks, because AlmondGirl really wants to be a Girl Scout which I support and endorse because they are progressive and inclusive and don't make you mention God, but I just can't let my blue-eyed boy march around in Cub Scout gear.

And the thing is that I really want to. I want to give him this instead of it being one more thing to tell his therapist about his uptight mother years down the road. And I grew up Orthodox Jewish and I have all but completely eradicated all traces of that, so of course now I worry that my kids are going to grow up and eat McNuggets while they drive endangered-animal-fueled Hummers over gay people. I want to sigh and say, "Well, it's not like they protest same sex marriage at meetings or anything," but I just can't do it. And it sucks that this is even an issue, really, but that's a frothing rant for another day.

So we're looking into alternatives and I'm feeling pissed off at the Boy Scouts for being such medieval douchebags and at myself for caring and at the country in general for tolerating this kind of thing in a "well, the back of the bus is still the bus, Miss Parks" kind of way and I really think that if I find one more thing to angst about, my brain is going to liquefy and run out my ears.

In Which Fruit And Pork Make Beautiful Music Together

2010-07-14T19:13:00.012-04:00

Let me begin this entry by apologizing to my parents for the fortune they spent on parochial school. But, quite frankly, if we're not meant to eat pigs, they ought not to be such a readily available source of lean and delicious protein.

I love pork tenderloins. The problem with them, however, is twofold. For one, they are incredibly lean and therefore prone to becoming dried out lumps of jerky. Secondly, many people believe that if pork isn't a solid gray throughout, it will cause you to develop intestinal worms and liver flukes and experience unpleasant side effects such as vomiting and death. But with a little know-how and attention, this cut can be tender, flavorful, and juicy. Properly cooked, pork tenderloin should be rosy in the center rather than looking like putty.

I like light, simple food in the summer and had purchased a pork tenderloin for grilling. I think pork pairs wonderfully with fruits (roast pork and applesauce being a classic combination) and considered dressing the loin with fresh apples and allspice. But that felt rather heavy for the weather. On Monday AlmondBoy and I had gone to the farm stand and selected some beautiful summer produce, including some enormous peaches and a variety of squashes. I thought the peaches would do nicely, and then I recalled that I had some sliced mangoes (thanks, Trader Joe!) in the freezer as well. Peaches and mangoes together are scrumptious, ergo I decided that all three would be a tasty trio.

To begin, trim the fat and remove the silver skin from the meat. Then soak it in a saltwater brine for roughly 12 hours.

After the meat had finished soaking, I patted it dry with paper towels. I took out a large piece of tin foil and spritzed it with olive oil spray. I placed the loin on the tin foil, then topped it with the mango slices. I arranged the sliced peaches (it took two, sliced into eighths) all around the perimeter like a fort of deliciousness, topped it with some fresh herbs (tarragon, sage, and rosemary from the garden) and sprinkled on some good sea salt.

Finally, I just folded it up into a packet, taking care to seal the seams. Make sure you crimp it pretty tightly because you don't want all of the juices to come pouring out when you flip your packet. I placed the packet on a hot grill and cooked each side for approximately 8 minutes, until the internal temperature reached 135 degrees.

After that point, I placed the pork directly on the grill to brown the outside and let the internal temperature come to between 145-150 degrees. I left the fruits in the foil over the heat.

Once the internal temperature was high enough, I moved the pork to a large platter and smothered it with the fruits, juices, and herbs.

Then I tented it loosely with foil and let the whole dish rest for about 5 minutes to let the interior finish cooking. Because the grill gets the meat so hot, it continues cooking after being taken off the grill. Therefore it's essential to have it come off a touch early if you want the middle to stay moist and juicy and delicately pink.. Which you really, really do.

As I had hoped, the flavors were wonderful together. I served the dish with a steamed squash medley (pattypan, crookneck, and zucchini) which I flavored with oregano and sea salt. We also had corn muffins with homemade strawberry jam.

In Which There Is Blueberry Onion Marmalade

2010-07-12T18:57:00.002-04:00

I love this recipe. It's very fresh and summery, and blueberries and lemons are a perfect flavor combination. It's a little sexy, this marmalade, with the luscious melting texture of the onions and the unusual - yet regal - hue from the blueberries. The chicken itself was juicy, flavorful, and perfectly cooked. I served it atop a spinach/romaine salad topped with jicama, pigeon peas, cucumbers, and crumbled Pepper Jack. The marmalade is a beautiful violet color, and it contrasted marvelously with the green salad leaves, the caramelized exterior of the chicken, and the creamy white cheese.

Unfortunately, my USB port is acting up and my dad has my memory card adapter thingy so I can't show you the pictures I took.

Blueberry Onion Marmalade Over Grilled Lemon Chicken

Recipe courtesy of Jerry Edwards of Chef's Expressions Catering

4 whole chicken breasts
2 lemons
4 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon sea salt
White pepper
1 pound chopped sweet onions
1/2 pint fresh blueberries
1 cup chicken stock
1/8 pound butter
Sea salt
White pepper

Zest one lemon and squeeze the juice from both. Cover chicken with the olive oil and lemon juice. Marinate for two to three hours. Toss together sea salt and zest. Remove chicken from marinade and sprinkle with lemon salt and white pepper. Grill on each side until browned, but still rare in center. Bake for 10-12 minutes in a 350-degree oven until they reach 150 degrees in center. Let stand for 5-8 minutes before slicing. (The chicken should reach 160 degrees while resting.) Slice in 1/4-inch slices.

In melted butter, simmer the onions slowly for about an hour. Continuously add chicken stock during the cooking process to keep moist. When onions are soft, add blueberries and cook slowly for 20 minutes. When the onions are almost a jam, season to taste with salt and pepper and serve over sliced lemon grilled chicken.

***

I cut the butter and olive oil in half, and the dish still had a wonderful, silky texture with a rich flavor. As you can see, that change eliminated a significant amount of fat and calories from the dish:

Original

Calories 500.0
Total Fat 22.4 g
Dietary Fiber 3.1 g
Protein 56.4 g

Modified

Calories 414.9
Total Fat 12.7 g
Dietary Fiber 3.1 g
Protein 56.4 g

I recommend unsalted sweet cream butter. I used thawed frozen berries (Trader Joe's sells some very nice organic wild blueberries at a good price) in place of fresh, and for the stock I went with Trader Joe's Free Range Organic.

In Which I Make Things Out Of Bananas And Chocolate

2010-07-09T06:05:00.010-04:00

Okay, first of all, I need to kill one of my neighbors. Someone keeps putting trash in one of my recycling bins and the recycling people won't take it. It is driving me crazy. The recycling bins are in the house and I take them to the curb on Thursday night for the Friday morning pickup. This morning one of my bins was left because there was a chicken tray covered with maggots perched on top of my recyclables because there isn't a lid. So I had to take that off and then pick about a dozen maggots off of my recycling so that I didn't have to trash it all. Thanks, asshole.

In more delicious news, I have done quite a bit of baking due to numerous parties in June. The titles link you to the recipes and my notes are underneath.

Banana Layer Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting

This is the most delicious banana cake I have ever eaten. It practically begs for some dark rum and possibly some coconut, so I think I'll play around with that next time I make it.

* I made this cake in two 9-inch pans instead of three 8-inch.

* I used four bananas instead of two to make the cake more moist and banana-y. And I let my mixer mash them because I am lazy.

* I used nonfat plain yogurt in place of buttermilk

* I found that the frosting needed more than the recommended amount of powdered sugar. I probably used closer to 2 1/2 - 3 cups, but your mileage may vary.

* To fill the cake required about two bananas. I did a layer of cake, a layer of frosting, a layer of sliced bananas, another layer of frosting, cale, and then covered the whole think thickly with frosting. I put it in the fridge before stacking on the second layer of cake in order to let the filling firm up.

*I kept it in the refrigerator overnight and it was still extremely moist the next day.

***

Bittersweet Chocolate Cake

This is a cake for people who love good dark chocolate. I don't think it would do well with milky stuff at all.

* I used 60% cacao chocolate for this cake. For eating chocolate, I like 85%, but I think that the subtle, complex sweetness of such a dark chocolate would be lost in this confection and therefore I went with something much sweeter.

* With only three ingredients, the flavors need to shine. Buy the best ingredients you can for this one, folks. Use good, vegetarian-fed eggs with lovely orange yolks and a dense, high-fat butter with a fresh, creamy taste. You'll be so glad you did.

* I cooked it for the recommended 20 minutes and found it ever so slightly dry. I think 17 or 18 would have been better.

* I served this confection with a tart raspberry coulis and lightly sweetened rum whipped cream. The flavors and textures came together quite nicely.

* If you've never made raspberry coulis, it is quite simple. Thaw a bag of frozen raspberries, stir in 3 tablespoons of sugar (or to taste), about a 1/4 cup of water, and a teaspoon or so of fresh lemon juice (if you like), allow to sit together for about an hour, puree, then press the whole mixture through a mesh strainer to remove the seeds. It's a lovely fresh sauce and, mixed with some balsamic vinegar and olive oil, an excellent salad dressing. Fresh mint perks up the coulis nicely as well. Note: If you use frozen raspberries in syrup rather than just regular frozen berries, omit the water and reduce the sugar to 2 tablespoons.

AlmondBoy approved:

***

White Chip Chocolate Cookies

These were pretty to look at and had a scrumptious, fudgey crumb. I made them using a cookie scoop, which made for perfectly round, thick cookies. Mine baked in the center of the oven for exactly ten minutes.

* My only note is to keep the dough cold at all times. Chill before scooping, and keep in the fridge between batches. Other than that, no changes. These are wonderful.

***

Chernowitzer Challah

This is my standard challah recipe and my absolute favorite. I get 16 rolls per batch. No changes because Maggie Glezer is a genius.

***

No-Knead Bread

I love this bread. It's easy, it's delicious, and almost foolproof. It lends itself wonderfully to add-ins like rosemary, dates, walnuts, kalamata olives, sundried tomatoes...the possibilities are endless.

* Don't skip the autolyse (that 15 minute rise under plastic) step. It really develops the flavor.

* I bake mine in a cast iron Dutch oven.

* For the final rise, I put the cotton towel/dough/wheat bran bundle on my pizza peel. I also usually need closer to 3 hours than 2 for a good rise.

***

Banana Split Trifle

I invented this dessert for my dad for some occasion or another, and it has become a family favorite. In fact, to encourage more frequent production, my dad purchased me a cherry pitter as a gift. I do not know how I lived without it.

Let me begin by saying that this is a fussy dessert in that it has lots of prep, but it can all be done well in advance. The ganache will keep in the fridge for a week; you'll just have to rewarm it. The cake will keep in the freezer for a couple of months if properly wrapped.

The structure of the dessert is a trifle dish with a layer of banana walnut cake, a layer of ganache, a layer of cherries, a layer of bananas, a layer of whipped cream, repeat.

You will need:

1 layer banana walnut cake
1 quart of heavy whipping cream
Ganache
1 lb pitted cherries, halved (Trader Joe's has a good price on organic Raniers right now)
3-4 ripe bananas (depending on size), sliced

For the cake, I use this recipe with a few modifications. You will not need to make the frosting, so only pull out 1 stick of butter.

* I double the amount of banana
* I use 2 9-inch pans
* I add in about 3/4 cup or so of chopped walnuts

Ganache is extremely simple to make. It is a 1:1 ration of heavy cream and chocolate, melted together. You'll need heavy whipping cream for the whipped cream layer, so buy one quart. Measure out a half cup of it and bring to a simmer in a small saucepan. Once the cream is simmering, remove it from the heat and stir in an equal amount of chocolate, either chips or chopped. I recommend bittersweet or semi sweet for this. Stir the chocolate until it is all melted in and the ganache is smooth. Allow to cool to room temperature.

For the whipped cream, I like to flavor mine with brown sugar and kirshwasser, but it's up to you. Just beat the rest of the quart of heavy whipping cream with your desired flavorings until stiff peaks form, taking care not to overbeat. (You'll get butter if you overbeat.)

Now, for the assembly:

Once your cakes are baked, turned from the pans, and completely cooled, wrap up one layer and freeze it for next time/snacking.

Divide the remaining layer in half and break each half into chunks, roughly 1 inch square. Put the cake into the trifle dish, pressing slightly to fill in the spaces. It's not an exact science, just somewhere between crumbs and chunks. Then drizzle the cake with room-temperature ganache.

Add a layer of cherry halves, then a layer of sliced bananas. Top with half of the whipped cream, then repeat the whole sequence. I like to decorate the top of mine with cake crumbs, chocolate drizzle, and a whole cherry. It keeps nicely in the fridge until you're ready to serve it.

I have considered involving fresh pineapple in this recipe because I am fond of pineapple on my banana splits, but it's so good as-is. Maybe one day…

In Which I Am Back From Hiatus

2010-07-07T14:13:00.011-04:00

I hadn't planned on taking so long a break, but it's been a busy couple of months. We went to Florida in mid-May for the purpose of attending my sister's law school graduation. We figured that we might as well take the kids to Disney while we were there, and we had a very nice time doing so. Because we are control freaks/obsessive planners, we used the Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World to plan our trip. You would have thought we were waging war on the Magic Kingdom with the way we had the schedule down . (Actually, after being overwhelmed by too much whimsy when the denizens of Frontierland spontaneously burst into a song and dance routine without provocation, a little light artillery didn't seem like such a bad idea.)

But anyway, the book was fabulous. We pored over it together, two geeks in love.

Mr. Marzipan: And see! See how it uses linear programming to map out the optimal itinerary? Behold the Fastpass recommendations! IT TELLS US WHEN TO GET IN LINE FOR WHICH THING.

Me: (Gazing at him in starry-eyed adoration) Cooooool...

My closet is organized by color. I live for this sort of thing.

AlmondGirl was taken to Castle Couture by my mother, and two Japanese tourists found the results irresistible:

My son and my husband favored the Buzz Lightyear ride. Mr. Marzipan ended up scoring like a trillion points and was so pleased with himself that it depressed me.

Two weeks later we made our annual memorial Day trip to LBI in New Jersey with my aunt, uncle, cousins, and their children. I'm so glad to be part of a big family, even though it can be exhausting on occasion. But I love that my kids are growing up with so many cousins.

My daughter turned 6 on June 4th and we had a girls-only tea party to celebrate on the 6th. I went for a Shabby Chic look, picking up mismatched china from the Goodwill.

The cake was teapot shaped and decorated with marshmallow fondant. It didn't turn out quite how I hoped, but I was fairly pleased overall:

Also! My daughter lost her first tooth that day, which was very exciting. I have been cooking and baking quite a bit and will share some recipes in my next update. Just wanted to check in and say hey for the moment.

In Which There Is Gelato And Also Langoustines

2010-05-03T06:26:00.015-04:00

Partly because I tend to buy expensive food and partly because I hate wasting things and partly because I sometimes like to pretend I'm on a Food Network hidden camera show called Suburban Freezers, I save odds and ends of things in my freezer. When the tomatoes start to look elderly or the blackberries begin to take on a withered appearance, they go into the freezer for later use in sauces or jams. Fallen cakes await conversion to trifle, stale bread to French toast. I have containers of au jus, bagged poultry carcasses, and the occasional avocado.

But, for all my frugality, I loathe clutter. This extends to the freezer, and so on Saturday morning I went prowling through the big freezer in the basement in search of inspiration. I found it in the form of half a bag of frozen strawberries, three frozen mangoes, and a frozen banana. I recalled some buttermilk in the fridge, and decided that gelato was the order of the day.

A note on mangoes: they can sometimes be very starchy and fibrous, so be careful. I prefer champagne mangoes for this reason. And, because mangoes are annoying to cut up, be aware that Trader Joe's carries packages of halved ones in their freezer section. One package is about the equivalent of what I used here.

In the warmer months I always keep 1:1 simple syrup on hand. I make it in big batches, then store it in glass bottles in the fridge. It's nice to have for ice cream making and for mixed drinks, but it's also nice for making cold drinks like lemonade or sweetened iced tea because the sugar is already dissolved.

To make this gelato, I thawed the fruit in the microwave, but not entirely. The colder your starting mixture, the better resluts you'll get with your ice cream maker. Here's how much fruit I had, plus the banana. I'd estimate it at around 5 cups fresh, and around 3 thawed.

I then took 2 cups of simple syrup (in retrospect I think I might reduce the simple syrup to 1 1/2 cups) and combined it with the fruit in my food processor. I left some little chunks intact, but you can puree it as much as you like. I then added 2 cups of low-fat buttermilk (plain European or Greek style yogurt would do nicely as well) and the juice of 5 seedless lemons. Once everything was combined into a beautiful peachy color with ruby highlights, into the ice cream maker it went. After about 30 minutes in the ice cream maker, I scraped it into a plastic container and put it in the freezer to harden.

Because it was sultry out, I wanted to have a light dinner on the deck to complement this dessert. I pulled out a bag of langoustine tails. Langoustines are like teeny lobsters and the meat is very tender and sweet. AlmondBoy loves lobster but langoustines are cheaper, easier to work with in the kitchen, and much less fuss because you can buy bags of them at Trader Joe's, where someone has thoughtfully killed and packaged them for your convenience. I thawed the langoustines, then tossed them in a mixture of olive oil, garlic, sea salt, dried coriander, basil, and Greek oregano. I left them in the mixture for about thirty minutes while I got everything else ready.

I boiled half a box of whole wheat penne in salted water and let that cook while I cut a fresh pineapple into 8 long pieces. I put the pineapple on the grill and returned to the pasta. After draining the pasta, I added the langoustines and their juices, half a package of English peas, the juice of 2 lemons, and returned the pot to low heat. I wasn't quite happy with the results, so I added a quarter cup of Greek yogurt and found that it bound everything together perfectly.

Returning to the grill, I checked on the pineapple. It had been grilling for about 5 minutes and so I flipped it to let the other side finish. Grilled fruit is one of my favorite warm weather side dishes, and pineapple is one of the best. The charred spots have a deep, caramelly sweetness that goes wonderfully with the tart acidity of the fruit. As soon as the pineapple was charred to my liking, we ate. I had a lovely piece of Parmigiano Reggiano stravecchio, which we grated over the pasta. It was so good that I kept breaking off chunks to eat alone. The cheese was wonderful and nutty with delicious crunchy toffee-like crystals studded throughout. I luuuurve cheese.

For dessert, I served mugs of the gelato topped with Trader Joe's plain European style yogurt, drizzled with mesquite honey, and ornamented with a mint leaf plucked from the plant on the deck. It was heavenly. The sour, astringent creaminess of the yogurt was a perfect complement to the light, fruity gelato, and the sticky-sweet honey hardened from the cold into delicious chewy strands.

In Which I Opine About Snacking

2010-04-25T08:26:00.001-04:00

This morning I received a message from a friend whose children are in the same baseball league as my own. She was asking for ideas about healthy snacks for after the games, as her team assigns one parent each week to bring a snack and she has been disappointed with the offerings thus far. I gave her some suggestions based on what my own kids eat, though mentioned that I wouldn't even bother with snacks except for the fact that AlmondBoy's metabolism is such that he has got to eat about every hour or so or ends up feeling very sick.

I've been thinking a lot about snacks lately. Whenever I am out with my kids for extended periods or when we are going some place where we'll engage in lots of physical activity, I bring healthy snacks and water. But it seems to me as though the snacking habit has really gotten out of hand, culturally speaking. I feel like a snack should be a small, healthyish something to tide over an empty stomach until mealtime. Not a pacifier. Not a bribe. But all too often I see bored children placated with empty calories to keep them quiet and, as someone who fought an uphill battle towards healthy eating, it worries me to think about what kind of eating habits these children are learning. And I feel pretty strongly that Munchkins or "fruit" gummies are not what growing bodies need after 1.5 hours of t-ball practice.

My kids don't get to eat in my car because cars are for traveling. They are not mobile cafeterias. We do not eat in front of the television. There are no Dunkaroos or Fruit Rollups in our house. And I don't say this to brag in some kind of mommier-than-thou competitive way. It's frequently a pain in the ass to be That Mom. People think you're weird or judgmental or Amish. There are times I honestly wish I didn't give a crap about corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oils and food dyes and corn agribusiness and the two dozen other things that give me the occasional headache at the grocery store. But the fact is that these things matter to me. Weight, health, and nutrition matter to me. I'm hoping to spare my own children many of the issues I have faced by not instilling bad habits which they'll have to learn to break on their own. I'm hoping to spare them the dubious distinction of membership in the growing childhood obesity problem in this country.

I love food. In particular, I love beautiful, delicious food. I try to prepare myself three meals a day and then I sit down to eat and enjoy them. I find that I am more mindful of my eating this way, that I enjoy what I put in my mouth. That respecting my food equates to respecting my body. I am trying to pass this on to my children, this idea that eating should be both for sustenance and pleasure, but not just for something to do. By constant snacking - especially snacking on empty calories - food becomes part of the background noise. It becomes an expectation. We eat when we are bored or lonely or happy or sad. We eat for something to do, and often it's when we're already being entertained. (I'm looking at you, movie theaters.) And as more of us have our butts parked in front of the computer (hi!) or the 4,382 channels on the TV or the Wii or let the kids play with [current trendy electronic device], we're doing less and less to burn those snacks off. By constant eating we take our bodies out of their natural rhythms. We don't learn what it means to feel hungry and instead, we eat right through those hunger cues. And by not knowing what hunger feels like, it becomes very difficult to learn what satiation feels like. There is no "clean plate" rule in our house for that very reason. In addition, many people also think they are feeling hunger when they are, in fact, thirsty.

I don't think snacking is completely evil by any measure. I always have a high-protein something after the gym or I don't feel very well. But I do think that getting children established in a routine where all outings and activities include something to munch isn't a great idea. And as I said, my son has to eat constantly or he loses weight so I certainly know that there are kids who really are hungry all the time. But I do suggest that we all try to be more mindful of what we're putting in our kids' bodies and in our own bodies, particularly between meals. I try to pack healthy, filling calories like full-fat cheeses, cashews, fresh fruit or vegetables, boiled eggs, etc. And I urge everyone to take a look at this article.

In Which There Is Stuffed Cabbage

2010-04-23T19:13:00.013-04:00

I love stuffed cabbage. It's a great all in one dish and has lots of wonderful flavors and textures going on. It also always makes me think of my grandmother, because it is a specialty of hers. However, my grandmother makes a sweet version and the members of the Marzipan household prefer a tangy one. It's a little time consuming, but not at all bad if you break it down into steps. The rice, sauce, and cabbage can be prepared the day before. I like to make extra rice to serve on the side because the sauce is so delicious.

Stuffed Cabbage

1 Savoy cabbage, leaves stripped off
1 pound ground turkey
1 pound very lean ground beef
1 1/2 cups cooked brown rice
1/3 cup plain nonfat Greek yogurt or sour cream
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil
1 red onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 1/2 teaspoons paprika
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon black pepper

Tangy Tomato Sauce

a 28-ounce can crushed tomatoes (preferably Italian flavored)
1 cup chicken broth
3 bay leaves
Freshly ground black pepper to taste

***

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil.

Add the cabbage leaves and cook, until tender, about 4 minutes. Drain the leaves into a colander in the sink and run under cold running water. Set aside.

In a large bowl (I use my Kitchen Aid with the paddle attachment) place the meat, rice, yogurt/sour cream, pepper, and 2 teaspoons salt and mix together very well.

Heat the olive oil in a skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and garlic and cook, stirring, about 7 minutes. Stir in the paprika and allspice and cook, stirring, about 2 minutes more. Add the onion mixture to the beef mixture and mix until well combined. Season with pepper to taste.

Lay the cabbage leaves on a work surface and blot dry with paper towels. Now take a look at the back side of your leaves. See that thick ridge at the base of the leaf? Trim it nice and flat with a very sharp knife. This way your leaves will lay flat on your work surface and not split. Just make sure you trim the ridge, not slice a hole in the leaf.

Starting with the largest leaves, place about 1/2 cup of the beef mixture in the bottom center of each leaf. (You should have enough for 10 very generously filled rolls.) Roll the bottom of the leaf over the beef mixture, fold in the sides, and continue rolling forward until completely closed. Repeat with the remaining leaves. If you need, you can make little patches with smaller leaves if the big ones tear.

Arrange the rolls seam side-down in a 9-x 13- x 2- inch baking dish.

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.

In a medium saucepan, combine the tomatoes, broth, and bay leaves. Bring to a boil and season with pepper to taste. Fish out the bay leaves, then pour over the cabbage rolls and cover the baking dish tightly with foil. Bake for 1 hour.

Remove the foil from the baking dish and continue cooking until lightly browned and cooked through, about another 30 minutes.

Cut open and devour.

AlmondGirl approved!

In Which There Is Steak Salad

2010-04-09T06:47:00.018-04:00

There's a certain self-congratulatory pretentiousness inherent in calling oneself a foodie and so I'm reluctant to use the term, but I do love good food. The problem with loving good food is that it tends to get expensive and so if one has a weekly grocery budget to which one likes to adhere, one must stretch those ingredients however possible. And when one of the people one feeds is a 6'5 man with a proportionately large appetite, that can take work.

Last night we had steak salads for dinner. Salads are one of my favorite things to eat because of the fact that they are bulky and filling without being heavy. They're endlessly variable and provide an excellent way to make the most of pricey and/or calorie-dense foods. Steak salads are a always a hit around here and they are a great way to showcase some really high-quality ingredients. No dressing needed. All items shown were purchased at Wegman's

The components of last night's salads were Wegman's organic spring mix, Wegman's perfect portions of organic grass-fed sirloin, sauteed mushrooms and red onions, St. Agur (one of my absolute favorite blue cheeses), walnuts, and dried cranberries.

To begin, I sprinkled the steaks with kosher salt and seared them on the grill. While they were cooking, I sliced the mushrooms and red onions, then cooked them until caramelized in a pan sprayed with Pam.

When the steaks were done to our taste (we eat them rare at the Marzipan household) I let them sit for about 5 minutes, then sliced them.

Assembling the salads was a snap. Bed of lettuce, saute mix and steak so the juices would run down, then top with cheese, nuts, and cranberries.

Detail of the tastiness:

For dessert, the kids had some Pocky that I picked up from Han Ah Reum and Mr. Marzipan and I had rock glasses full of Traderspoint Wildberry Yogurt. It is amazingly creamy and rich and heavenly, and contains only a few more calories and far less sugar than that godawful stuff stabilized with cornstarch and gelatin. And such lovely packaging! It's in a glass bottle with this pretty label.

In Which I Have No Shame

2010-04-07T14:31:00.006-04:00

I love sale shopping. I always feel faintly stupid when I pay full retail for an article of clothing, as though the store has bested me in an ongoing and elaborate battle of wits. I'm the slow-moving lady who peruses the shelves and stocks up on twenty bottles of clearance SPF 75 in October. I have a beautiful red satin evening gown that I love in part because it's beautiful and sexy but largely because I got it marked down from over $300 to $23. I haunt consignment shops and the Goodwill. (Really - you would not believe these fabulous Diesel jeans I picked up for $4.25.)

It annoys/amuses my husband at times I think. We sometimes have conversations like this:

Him: I like your shirt. Is it silk or something?

Me: Thank you, yes it is. I got it on clearance for $3.

This is in part because I do not cut corners on my food because I am a snob and therefore need to economize in other places. But I kind of get a rush from it, like a treasure hunt.

So today I was at Target, perusing the end caps as per usual (very good deals at the Owings Mills store, locals) when I found a shelf with about 30 packages of the store brand "personal warming gel" marked way down. This gave me pause. I recently attended one of those Very Special Grown Up Toy parties at a friend's house. The toy lady was raving about the benefits of such ointments and how they were the most glorious substances on earth and how unless you were a nun or a masochist, you should have an ample supply.

And there, in Target, I remembered her enthusiasm. I also remembered that she encouraged me to hold about a dozen different kinds of vibrators to the tip of my nose and that I had something called "The Dolphin" buzzing in my face when my friend's husband got home, but I can forgive. It had been a long time since I made such a purchase, but I had a vague idea that she was correct.

It was on sale, you guys. And so I bought discount generic personal warming gel. I feel like it would be awkward to remark upon the price if Mr. Marzipan likes it though.

In Which There Is Sunshine

2010-03-31T17:24:00.006-04:00

It's only Wednesday, and I've already had too long of a week. Emotional strain, kids out of school, and a hacking lingering cough that is making me sound like a phone sex operator and which I wish to hell would have the decency to just get bad and then go away.

Mr. Marzipan and I put the kids to bed early last night because they needed it and we really needed it. Then we curled up on our epic couch (21 running feet of L-shaped couch) to watch Chuck. Mr. Marzipan hates to watch TV and movies with me because my suspension of disbelief is horrible and I get confused by elaborate plot points. He has to hit Pause a lot so I can say things like, "How come she's with that guy? I thought the other guy was a bad guy and then they....oh. Because of the raccoon, right? Oh, hey, that guy's using the mass spectrophotometer wrong. This is stupid."

But aside from making no sense at all in this universe or any other, Chuck is fun and silly and the theme is an instrumental version of one of my favorite Cake songs ever. Mr. Marzipan put a pillow on his lap and patted it, indicating that I should lay down. I did, and he drew endless circles on my back as I lay drowsing in the ambient light of the TV, coughing feebly.

When the episode ended, he ordered me to bed. I coughed my way upstairs and curled into a pitiful ball on my side of the bed, which Mr. Marzipan refers to as The Pit because my Sleep Number is 30. He came up a few minutes later, carrying the vaporizer. He filled it with eucalyptus oil and set it on my night table. Then he brought me Ny-Quil and water before climbing in bed next to me. He removed his shirt and rubbed some eucalyptus oil into his skin so that I could lay my head there and breathe it in. It was a very good way to fall asleep.

***

I talked to my friend Julee this morning.

"You sound better," she said. "Or at least you sound less sexy."

***

I had a playdate with my friend Mary Alice and her five children. We went to one of those inflatable bounce room places and this total weirdo came up and started talking to Mary Alice about the aforementioned five children, demanding to know whether Mary Alice was "Catholic or something." Mary Alice is Mormon. The woman then told us an elaborate story beginning with how her mother was a nun and then moved on to an IUD and ended with liver failure. She also mentioned Big Love in an attempt to connect with Mary Alice.

Facepalm.

But also hilarious.

***

I came home and there was a message from my mother in law who - in the past ten years - has said maybe five overtly nice things to me. She thanked me for coming to the Seder and told me how much she appreciated it. This is a huge step forward.

Thanks, Heather.

***

My aunt came over and helped with the kids while I worked in the garden. I'm muddy and bloody and scratched and be-splintered. The afternoon light was warm and buttery, and there were the most delicious smells coming from the hyacinths. I'm going to grill some chicken here shortly and be thankful that I am alive in the world today.

In Which I Say Goodbye To A Friend

2010-03-28T18:41:00.010-04:00

On Saturday morning I received the very unhappy news that a friend of mine - a beloved wife and mother of three - had died very unexpectedly. I thought it must be some kind of sick joke that someone was pulling because there was simply no possible way Heather could be gone. It was incomprehensible to me that the brilliant, funny, kind, gentle person I respected so highly could wink out of existence without warning. She'd been there for me on the days when I believed I had to abandon my children and flee to Istanbul to stay sane and on the days when I was in love with the world and needed to share it. She was so delighted with the lot life had handed her that I wanted to take notes so I could be more like her.

Other than her dazzlingly dry wit and storytelling skill, one of the best things about Heather was her wisdom. She was so refreshingly honest about herself and her shortcomings, but never gave herself enough credit for what a knack she had for presenting advice in a simple, non-condescending way.

Since before my husband and I got married, there have been Ongoing Issues with his family, and I haven't been to a family holiday in almost 6 years. I was planning to skip Passover this year too, but I've been thinking a lot about something Heather wrote about marriage once:

A marriage that demands nothing from you is not a marriage, it's somebody indulging you. Love will get you through anything, but love doesn't mean "feeling affectionate." Love is giving of yourself when you don't feel like it, and I guarantee you that sooner or later, you're not going to feel like it. At that point, you will have to make an effort to swallow your pride, gain self-control, and behave completely unselfishly. Unless you've gained the status of saint, it's going to be hard. This is true of everybody, not just you.

I started thinking about what I have been teaching my children by not going. About what I have been telling my husband about my ability to put his needs before my own when I really, really don't want to. Heather gave me so much over the years I was graced with her acquaintance, and the best thing I can think to do to honor that is try to make choices that I wouldn't be ashamed to confess to her. I admired her so deeply.

So I'm going to dinner.

I was stricken with grief for her family and I was - I am - so angry about it. She was a wonderful friend, a wonderful wife, and a wonderful mother. She loved her family fiercely but never cheapened that love by idealizing anyone, or putting them on a pedestal. And despite my gimlet eye towards religion, Heather's brand of Catholicism always sounded so reasonable to me. I envied her faith because rather than seeming like blind obedience, her devotion to her beliefs came across as the natural conclusion to a well thought out course of questioning. I don't believe in Heather's god but I truly, truly hope that I am wrong and that He exists and has welcomed her warmly home.

In Which There Are Vampires

2010-03-24T14:45:00.009-04:00

I need to make a little preamble here. I know hating on Twilight is the Thing To Do among certain people and that it hasn't got the same elitist cachet as opining that Picasso is just so pedestrian, Stanley, and we really need something a little less nouveau riche above the guest bidet, don't you think? If I were a cutting edge hipster I would - instead of mocking Twilight as the literary equivalent of Cheez Whiz - like it ironically and host dramatic readings of it at an ugly sweater party while serving ironic hipster canapes and playing some tunes on the 8-track. So I'm not even a hipster. I'm a run of the mill uptight snob. Which I'm okay with.

Back when I was a teenage girl we read Anne Rice books and they were full of florid purple prose and the most godawful glut of adjectives and lurid emotions on Earth. Which I loved, of course, because I was fourteen and therefore terribly misunderstood in the way of all fourteen year old girls except that I was different and special and there was this seriously crazed part of my brain that wanted to believe Lestat and I would, like, totally have this connection and it would be magical and intense or whatever. So I understand this desire to read about the captivating undead and I get the whole sexualization of vampires and witches and whatever the hell Lasher and Emmaleth were. (And just a note here, Stephenie Meyer - even crazy Anne Rice knew that giving birth to a fully formed human adult is creepy and weird and the creature must be destroyed, okay? I'm just saying.)

But you know, Anne Rice is Anne Rice. Not everyone can pull it off. For the same reason that Lady Gaga can get away with wearing bows made of hair and dressing up as a used tampon at a major musical event but if I did it would not be unexpected to find myself approached by people who think NASA uses microwave ovens to implant subliminal messages into our brains while the meatloaf reheats.

The gag-inducing writing style aside, these Forks vampires are fairly wimpy. They decide to spend eternity in high school. Lestat and Louis were off eating luscious prostitutes and buying chateaux and hanging out with Lucifer. They rocked immortality, my friends. They rocked it hard. Note: Robert Pattinson looks like a total wanker, but this quote from him makes him not such a bad kid: The more I read about this guy the more I hated him, so that's how I played him—as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus he's a hundred-year-old virgin, so he's obviously got some issues there.

Also I don't like the way the books romanticize creepy possessive stalker guys who condescend to you and WATCH YOU SLEEP WHAT THE HELL THAT IS NOT ROMANTIC. From what I gleaned about SMeyer by reading interviews and suchlike, she has very juvenile ideas about relationships. These books bug me because the writing is lame and stilted and thesaurus-reliant. It makes me sad that people are going apeshit over this stuff when there are so many amazing books out there.

So, in the spirit of being kind of bitter that SMeyer cannot, in my humble opinion (and also Stephen King's), write for shit and yet probably sleeps on a mattress stuffed with shredded hundred dollar bills, I bring you this list of funny websites that make fun of Twilight. Many thanks to the parenting message board where I am a member for bringing a number of these to my attention.

Writing

Why Breaking Dawn Must Be Made Into A Movie
Cleolinda's Recaps
Growing Up Cullen
Chris vs. Twilight
The Onion

Multimedia

Twilight Moms
Buffy vs. Edward
Vampax
Firelight With Taylor Swift
My Life Is Twilight
Twilight Dildo _NSFW, Reviews Are Priceless
Regretsy-ed
Twilight the Musical

In Which I Bake A Fire Truck Cake

2010-03-22T13:48:00.033-04:00

There comes a moment in every woman's life - if she is the mother of a small, fire-truck obsessed boy - when she will be asked to bake a cake shaped like a fire truck. And if this moment comes very early on a Wednesday morning and the boy is sufficiently wide eyed and adorable and her husband is already in the shower and can't intervene, she will say yes.

So, in the spirit of letting others learn from my mistakes, I bring you my step by step Guide To Making A Fire Truck Cake. Please note that I have never taken a cake decorating class. I can't pipe a beautiful rosette, or sculpt a scale-model medieval castle from gum paste. I did not walk to the fire station and take pictures first, so this cake is what fire trucks kind of look like in my head, but would cause you to panic if one like it arrived at your house for the purpose of flame extinguishment. I am a good baker, but a lousy decorator. So this is not a Duff Goldman cake. (Which, incidentally, are beautiful but don't taste so good.) This is a Mom Cake. This is a cake that suffered cake slumpage after being beset by cats and had to then be reinforced with bamboo skewers.

First things first. I recommend using a firm cake recipe for any kind of sculpted cake. I like the Magnolia cake recipes because they're slightly dense. If you want to use a mix, do the thing where you add pudding to make a kind of pound cake. Use 2-3 recipes/mixes per fire truck, depending on how tall you want the cake. I did 3 for each of these. The yellow cake is yellow cake (see what I did there?) and the red cake is chocolate.

I use the Magnolia buttercream recipe for almost every buttercreamed baked good I make. It's very tasty and very easy. The yellow cake is filled with vanilla buttercream and the chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream. (Which I make by replacing some of the vanilla's powdered sugar with cocoa powder.) Both are frosted with tinted vanilla. It took about half a batch to fill each cake and one batch to frost. Make all of the frosting at once (or in two batches, whatever you can do in your mixer bowl) and tint separately.

The yellow frosting was colored with a small amount of Wilton's Lemon Yellow gel coloring. The red frosting took three whole containers of No-Taste Red to color, which is typical for red. The color deepens and intensifies over time, so don't worry if it looks a little magenta at first. And definitely get the No-Taste Red because otherwise your cake will taste like evil.

For the silver, take some vanilla frosting and stir in some black decorating icing (the tube kind) from the store until you have a nice metallic gray. They make black gel icing but sometimes the color goes all weird and you'll need black for the wiper blades and stuff, so I say go for the tube.

Or, if you like, skip making your own and buy containers of vanilla frosting and tint.

Materials

1 sheet cake pan
Disposable pastry bags (Ziplocs work okay too)
1 large offset spatula
1 small offset spatula
Electric mixer
Silicone pastry brush
Bamboo skewers (if you have cats)
Cake board (foil covered cookie sheets are great)
2-3 batches of cake batter per fire truck
Roughly 1.5 batches of buttercream total per fire truck Meringue powder
Powdered sugar
Gel food colorings
1 tube black icing
Mini chocolate frosted donuts
Assorted candies

***

Okay, these pictures are pretty bad, but I was in a hurry.

***
Step One: Mix up the batter

I mixed the batters separately in my stand mixer, then combined them in a Tupperware vat to mix them all together. It was a lot of cake. You'll probably have to bake it longer than usual if you use 3 batters. If you go with 2, you'll probably have to underbake so it's not too dry. Just keep checking.

Step Two: Trim the cake

After the cake has cooled and you've turned it out of the pan, use a very sharp knife to even up the top and sides. If you like, freeze the cake and do all of the cutting frozen. I had to do that with a Mad Hatter-style cake I made once. It made things much easier.

Step Three: Cut the pieces

The cake is 17 inches wide and after trimming, I cut it into three sections of about 5 2/3 inches wide. One of these thirds was then cut into thirds along the width, each third being about 3 3/4 inches. Behold:

Step Four: Laying out the pieces

The two big pieces are the body of the cake and the three small ones are the cab. I set it up just to see what needs trimming and so forth. Note that I cut out a chunk from part of the top layer of the truck body. That's for that metal compartment on the fire truck.

Step Four: Glue it together

Spread thickly with buttercream and stack everything together. After gluing, I cut a slant from the top front of the cab for the windshield area.

Step Five: Crumb coat

Please crumb coat your cakes. It's easy and you will be glad you did. A crumb coat is just a very thin layer of frosting put on the cake to make the cake smooth when the time comes to put on the final coat. Use a silicone pastry brush (they're like $4 at the grocery store) to brush all the loose crumbs off. Then spread a very thin layer of frosting over the whole cake. Let the crumb coat sit for at least an hour. I covered mine with plastic wrap and left them over night, or you can take this time to make your royal icing.

Step Six: Ladders and glass

I used royal icing to pipe the ladders, windows, and windshields. Do not be scared of this. It is very easy, even for the severely Coordination Impaired such as myself. Royal icing is simply meringue powder, water, and powdered sugar. You beat it in your mixer, glop it into a pastry bag, snip a weensy little hole in the end, and have fun. I love it for cookies because you can flood with it.

I drew a template on white paper, taped it to a cutting board, taped waxed paper over my template, and made all the pieces for my ladder. The ladder pieces need about 6 hours to dry and the windows would do best overnight. You'll know when they're ready because they'll come right off the wax paper. Just be careful because they are fragile. After they were dry , I used more royal icing to glue the ladder together. Let the completed ladder dry over night at least.

If you've never used a piping bag before, you can watch this video here. I don't bother using a coupler and tip for stuff like this. Just use scissors to snip a tiny (really tiny - like 1/8 of an inch) piece off the end.

Note: The picture of the completed ladder was taken with my new camera. Even though I don't know how to really use it yet, the difference in image quality is impressive I think.

Step Seven: Frosting and decorating the cake

Spread a generous layer of tinted buttercream over your crumb coat. If it's sticking, it's probably too thick. Whip a little milk into the frosting until it spreads smoothly. Also, keep a glass of water handy to dip your spatula in and smooth over rough spots as needed. Not too often or you'll sog the cake, but a little is okay.

Spread the silver frosting over the indentation you made between the body and the cab. Pipe a silver border around the base and over the wheels if you like, and use the small offset spatula to make the bumper. Use the mini donuts as wheels and put a dot of silver in the center of each for a hubcap.

Use whatever candies strike your fancy for the rest of it. I used Tootsie Pop Drops, a Rolo, and a licorice allsort for the top. The doodads on the side are mini jujubees, the headlights are licorice allsorts. The red cake has some licorice wheels on the silver part to help disguise the slumpage-induced crack. I got all of the candies from the bulk candy bins at Wegman's. The hose thingies on the side are Oreo cookie straws. I stuck toothpicks into them, spiked those into the cake and, for good measure, used a ledge made of a popsicle stick. In retrospect I would have skipped the ledge because I don't like non-edible decorations on cakes.

Perch the ladder on top, and voila! (Note the enucleated red cake in the background. SIGH.)

At first I considered doing this in fondant, but even marshmallow fondant doesn't taste great. I also thought about doing a lot more detail, like a bi-color top and also making a little door with a shield and a latch on it, but I think this is fine for a 4 year old's party, to be honest with you. He seemed happy, anyway!

In Which I Hate Passover

2010-03-17T17:39:00.013-04:00

When I was a kid, Passover was all kinds of fun. We spent weeks (WEEKS!) cleaning. We covered the counters in foil and purged the oven of leavened crumbs and filled an allotted section of the kitchen with matza and macaroons and cloudy pink dish soap the color of Bazooka bubble gum. There was Passover lipstick and Passover paper plates and Passover napkins. My sister and I would hang around outside while our mother vacuumed the car, squabbling idly as dust flew around and the air smelled of Windex and illicit crackers. Our chametz (leavened goods) were temporarily sold to Christians, who probably spent at least part of every Easter slicing up the spiral ham and wondering what those wacky Jews were putting in the Manischewitz.

It was kind of like camping indoors for a week. We used different dishes and ate matzafied versions of French toast and pizza. The stores were denuded of potato starch and eggs, Jelly Rings and Temp-Tee cream cheese. The night before the holiday, my sister and I would creep through the darkened house with a candle and a feather, searching for the packets of bread Ma had hidden. The next morning Ma would shoo us outside to munch on donuts while sacrificial chametz burned in a delightfully pagan-esque bonfire.

We'd have the Seders at my uncle's house. My uncle is an Orthodox rabbi and he does not screw around at Seder time. They were 5 hour events, but never dull. Everyone told stories and asked questions. He flung ping-pong balls and toy farm animals to simulate the plagues. We'd all pick a random language in which to ask the Four Questions, and idly flip through the Haggadah to count how many pages of Hebrew and Aramaic lay between us and the charoset. My grandmother and aunt would then serve Jewish Foods of Great Density and Unfailing Deliciousness. The kids would be wiped out after dinner and we'd get poked awake for the Afikomen and chime in halfheartedly to endless choruses of Chad Gadya. I miss those Seders.

But then I grew up. To be an atheist. Well, maybe not an atheist exactly, but any higher power I'm even willing to consider is nothing like the Judeo-Christian god of smitings and complicated laws about childless widows and the sandals of their brothers in law. With two small children of my own and zero theological motivation, Passover is a colossal pain in my ass. But it's important to my husband, so I break out the Passover dishes and buy evil-looking foodstuffs like borscht and jarred gefilte fish. The peanut butter and rice and and cornstarch get tucked away. I make matza lasagna and matza meal muffins and contemplate donating my kidneys so that we can afford boxes of delicious shmura matza at whatever princely sum they're going for down at the shmura matza factory which is probably made out of solid platinum and features an underground garage so no one's Bugatti gets dinged.

Anyhow, I have mixed feelings on Passover as a whole. It's kind of exciting for the kids and while I am not theologically Jewish, I'm definitely a cultural Jew. But I get so frustrated when I go to the kosher grocery store where I went all the time as a kid. I see people in there buying the same kosher for Passover paper plates and napkins and lotions and soap as I did growing up. And they're also buying kosher for Passover bagels and breads and pizza crusts. And to tell you the truth, I think that's pretty hypocritical. This avoidance of chametz is so important to you and your god that you're agonizing over wheat germ extract in the shampoo, but you can't possibly survive for a week without a bagel? It rubs me the wrong way. If I had to say who was doing a better job at obeying the spirit of the thing, I say the victory goes to my atheist matza pizza served on godless cornstarched plates.

Note: To clarify, I do not mean to generalize that everyone at the aforementioned store buys these things. But because it is the only store in the area (to my knowledge) that sells them, I notice people buying them I'm there. So my objections are limited to that cohort.

But this year my mother will be out of town and my father is not having a Seder of his own. My husband will be taking the kids to my in-laws' (where I do not venture) for the Seders and I plan to stay home and have uninterrupted thoughts and watch The X-Files with the volume turned up. I think it will be a very religious experience for me.

In Which I Return To Virtue

2010-03-15T13:46:00.007-04:00

Because I have decided to lose 9 pounds by our Florida vacation in May, I am back to being virtuous even though there are donuts from my son's class party and these little chocolate covered toffee things my daughter likes and a 5 gallon drum of crack-laced Goldfish and so on.

Trader Joe's is my primary source of groceries. I went grocery shopping on Saturday and obtained an enormous amount of delicious and reasonably priced foodstuffs. When I was a kid I had these fantasies where I'd grow up and eat Easy Cheese directly from the container for dinner and follow it up with a half-gallon of ice cream and, I don't know, gin. Just because I could, I guess. But the fact is that while I enjoyed that in college for a brief stint, in general I feel so good when I eat well. I feel happy and healthy and in control and the fleeting deliciousness of half a bag of Doritos never comes close to the high of the impressed look on my husband's face when I demand that he poke me in the obliques. (That sounds naughty, doesn't it?)

For breakfast today I had a Dannon Light and Fit cherry vanilla yogurt into which I stirred 1 sliced banana and 1/4 cup of Trader Joe's Organic Morning Lite cereal. I had a glass of V8 and a glass of water with this. I always like to eat my meals on actual china, sitting at the table, reading a book or listening to music. I love food and even with two small children, I try and take the time to enjoy my meals. So my yogurt gets dumped into a bowl and I set everything on a place mat. I like taking time for myself. Anyway, breakfast was:

293 calories
1 gram of fat
9 grams of protein.

Went to the gym and did 30 minutes of weights, 10 minutes on the Stairmaster at 72 steps per minute, and 30 minutes on the elliptical at a burn rate of 800 calories per hour. Took some time in the sauna, then had a Pure Protein chocolate peanut butter bar. I had about 50 ounces of water during and after my workout. The protein bar contained:

190 calories
6 grams of fat
20 grams of protein.

Lunch was a magnificent salad, made entirely of ingredients from my beloved TJ's. 2 cups organic heirloom lettuce, 1/4 cup shredded organic pea shoots, three breaded chicken tenderloins (in the frozen section), 1/2 red pepper, 7 stalks blanched asparagus, 1/2 of an avocado, 1/4 serving Crunchy Curls, and 1 serving Parmesan ranch dressing. Is it not beautiful?

395 calories

15.5 grams of fat
23.65 grams of protein

I feel amazing and focused and back on track It's wonderful. When I treat myself well in this way I feel clean inside. I'm not sure how else to describe it.

In Which...Duh.

2010-03-12T15:14:00.005-05:00

I went to the dentist this morning (and guess who needs braces?!) and ran into a woman I hadn't seen in three years. "Wow!" she said to me. "You look great. You look totally different! Did you do something to your hair? And your face looks thinner. Have you lost some weight?"

For reference, here's about how I looked the last time she saw me:

And present:

I get that asking people if they've lost weight can be awkward, but seriously. 120 pounds is enough that we don't need to be coy here.

In Which There Is No Water

2010-03-08T09:47:00.006-05:00

On Saturday at around 11 AM-ish I was at the gym on the elliptical when an announcement came over the intercom stating that due to some kind of water main issue there was no water pressure at the gym and that this pretty much meant we were all SOL on showers and water fountains. A great and biblical groan rose up from those of us engaged in sweatiness related activities, but I finished my workout and managed to get enough water trickling out of the shower head to bathe myself decently. I gathered the kids and headed home, unaware of the fact that 100,000 people along the Reisterstown Road corridor had no water either.

"We have no water," my husband said upon my return. "This sucks."

It did suck. And it sucked even more than it usually would because every year we attend a fundraising event for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and the event was that Saturday night. My parents were coming over to watch the kids, but having someone watch small children with no working toilets is just blatantly mean. So we took the kids over to my parents' house and went to the event (which, by the way, has a Theme of Inexplicable Weirdness every year; this year being "Barn Chic") and then my dad said to just leave the kids for the night. Which we did.

Sunday brought no water. Local businesses were closed, and scouring the news revealed that the water main was hard to fix because - get this - there's a stream in the way. I have no water because there's water in the way of it getting to me. No water Sunday evening, so we all spent the night with my parents which is actually a little awesome because my parents have this lovely shower with 6 different showerheads and this bench thing and I believe it bathes you in the tears of angels.

Anyway.

Schools closed today due to the lack of water, but they're giving out potable and non-potable water at a municipal sportsplex. I have primarily been spending my free time (the gym is closed) eating.

Meh.

In Which My Daughter Is Fabulous

2010-03-01T14:29:00.004-05:00

VirgataGirl and I have been making those knotted fleece blankets to donate to kids at a homeless shelter, and the whole idea of being homeless has really resonated with her. We've been talking about it a lot, about what being homeless means (Mama, they don't have their own rooms? Mama, where do they have their tea parties?) and the reality of it has finally sunk in. This morning I found all of the money from her wallet on my dresser with instructions to donate it. And she told me that instead of receiving birthday presents for her 6th birthday in June, she wants everyone to donate something to kids who don't have anything. We talked about different kinds of charities and she is really putting a lot of thought into this. I am so proud of her and so in awe of this little person I helped create, and how much greater she is than the sum of her parts.

In Which I Have A New Niece And It Is Fake Valentine's Day

2010-02-22T06:40:00.015-05:00

Well! My last entry was on Friday, 2/12. As I started posting that last entry, I got a call from my sister in Aventura, Florida, whose first baby was due on 2/24. "I kind of feel like crap," she told me. "Remember how you said I'd probably know I was in labor because I'd feel like there was a bowling ball in my pelvis and I'd have really painful cramps?

I said I recalled this.

"I feel like that," she said in a woefully tired voice.

I inquired as to whether she was having contractions. She said she wasn't sure. Then she yelped and hung up on me. Whereupon I started looking for flights to Florida. Now you have to realize that as annoying as it is to try and get a last minute flight on any given day, getting a last minute flight when a week's worth of flights is still being rerouted due to Snowmageddon, it is a long weekend because of the federal holiday on Monday, and people are doing weekend getaways for Valentine's Day is near impossible. I was cheerily informed by the customer service people that I could maybe possibly get a flight out on Sunday if the stars were properly aligned and I sacrificed a virgin and a pure white goat to the dark and nefarious god of airline travel. I said I'd think about it.

I cursed my niece's timing and began throwing random items in a suitcase large enough to be a body bag. I called my parents, my husband, and my friends to let them know that plan Watch AlmondBoy and AlmondGirl was in motion. My dad started looking for flights.

In the meantime, my sister's boyfriend called to inform me that they had swung by the doctor's office and the doctor timed contractions 3 minutes apart and that he was very, very sorry to be ruining my Valentine's Day again (more on that in a moment) but his daughter was definitely ready to be born and could I catch a flight like four hours ago and also - in his words - "[your sister] is vocalizing more than is perhaps usual for her."

My dad clicked in to say he'd found a flight for me and that my mother was on her way to watch the kids and he was coming to take me to the airport. I kissed the children goodbye, grabbed my suitcase full of heaven only knows what, and went outside to meet my dad. We got to BWI where, just after I made it to my gate, I received a phone call to let me know that my niece had arrived at 12:23. I heard her crying in the background. I was so touched that they'd called me first that I alarmed my fellow passengers by whooping and making high-pitched dolphin style noises.

My sister had wanted to give birth without meds, and her boyfriend proudly informed me that she had done so, and also that it was a darn good thing that had been her plan because she went from 4 centimeters at the doctor's office to 9 centimeters by the time they checked into the hospital 45 minutes later. I boarded the plane not long after, and took advantage of my business class seat by ordering several adult beverages and also stretching my legs all the way out and pushing my toes into the the wall at the front of the bulkhead. I read Valerie Martin's Mary Reilly.

A note about Valentine's Day: My husband and I have never once had dinner together on Valentine's Day. Something has come up every single year to thwart this. I don't really mind all that much because it's a fairly bogus holiday and I am not terribly sentimental, but it's sort of aggravating that our plans get screwed up every year. Though really, it's not even aggravating at this point. It's just funny. So we traditionally end up celebrating Fake Valentine's Day, which takes place within a few days of February 14th. But anyway, this year we had something really nice planned. I had a floor length red satin evening dress. We had dinner reservations somewhere nice. And because my husband is a banker, he is off on Presidents' Day. We had made overnight arrangements for the children. We were very excited but because of our history, when I called him to say that we would be missing Valentine's Day again, he was not terribly shocked. "Really," he observed, "I feel like we probably did the restaurant a favor. You know if we had actually made it there would have been a fire or a truck would have driven through the window or something."

So in any case, I arrived at the Fort Lauderdale airport where the proud new father picked me up and drove me to the hospital. When I got to the room, my sister was there with my new niece and I am very relieved to report that she is a pretty newborn. Some aren't and one has to expound upon their dear little hands and sweet toes and brightly remark that the baby looks so alert. But this baby had a lovely round head and was a nice human color instead of looking like she'd been scalded.

My sister - as per usual - looked annoyingly beautiful. Here's me looking not annoyingly beautiful, but very happy (though exhausted from the crazy previous day) with a new little Earthling:

On Saturday I walked my husband through cooking dinner for the dinner party we had planned for the night before Valentine's Day. Reports are that he aced it.

I spent the first two days at my sister's apartment cleaning up for their homecoming, taking care of the dog, etc. There were several mishaps. Like the time I had to call a locksmith because their lock is weird and I locked myself and the dog out and discovered that they do not have a spare key. Or the time I set the smoke alarm off while teaching my sister how to make her own thin-crust pizza. I helped my sister with breastfeeding and pumping, I cooked and baked, I did laundry and took the dog out. We spent a lot of time on Skype. I got Mr. Marzipan a suit marked down from $1150 to $250.

I was christened Auntie M.

Their building is very nice (gym, pool, sauna, steam room, and - my favorite - a valet) and there is a beautiful canal that runs behind it. I liked walking under the palm trees and looking at all of the fancy boats, and watching the herons in the tall grass by the edge. I taught my sister how to use the baby sling and we all took walks. My niece seems to love fresh air. I sang The Big Ship Sails over and over for her. We took her out for a fancy dinner on Thursday, and she was a perfect lady. On Friday night, we threw a one-week birthday party for her. I cooked Shabbat dinner and made a chocolate peanut butter cake for dessert. Her daddy got to give her her first bottle of pumped milk. Because they know how practical and boring I am, they surprised me with a straightening iron I'd been coveting.

On Saturday, they dropped me off at the airport in time for my noon flight. "Now don't worry," I said. "Mom will be here in five hours." They laughed and we said our goodbyes and they took the puppy and the baby to the dog park. I went to check in for my flight which, for some reason, no one could find record of even though I had a confirmation number. I was extremely perplexed, as were they.

Until the ticket agent realized that I was at the wrong airport.

My husband had helpfully booked my return flight, but he booked it out of the Miami airport instead of the Fort Lauderdale airport. There was no earthly way I could make that flight. I called the airline in a panic and, after a few tense (and slightly hysterical) moments, they got me on a nonstop flight home six hours later. I felt awful, because my kids had been looking forward to greeting me at the airport, but this did mean that I'd get to visit some more. So, embarrassed, I called my sister and they came and got me. I baked them Chocolate Chip Banana Bread Of Guilt. I made some more pizza sauce.

Then I left for real. And when the plane landed, I realized my cell phone was dead. Kind people let me use theirs, and my dad picked me up and brought me home. When I got into the house, I saw that Mr. Marzipan had turned off the lights and lit candles all over the place. The coffee table was laid with three of my favorite cheeses, a bottle of wine, fresh berries, beautiful stone ground wheat crackers, and chocolate covered pomegranate seeds.

"Happy Fake Valentine's Day," he said.

In Which There Is A Vendetta

2010-02-12T06:51:00.002-05:00

Okay, so it snowed another 22 inches on Wednesday. That''s a lot of effing snow. (My friend Eleanore recommends that I start measuring in fuck-tons rather than shit-tons. I am taking this under advisement.)

Mr. Marzipan was out shoveling thrice on Wednesday because the snow was flinging itself angrily from the sky with no clear intention of ever stopping. He wanted to stay on top of it. So he cleared our steps and sidewalks and, because the road hadn't been plowed, shoveled our cars out and the section of road in front of our house. He piled up the snow on the little spit of sidewalk where the mailbox is. Most of our neighbors did the same, so while the road wasn't clear, it was reasonably passable for those with larger vehicles.

My dad has a very large, heavy, snow-capable SUV. He loaned it to me yesterday so I could get the kids out of the house and let Mr. Marzipan get some work done since his office was closed. My mother and I were out shopping and so my dad had a coworker give him a ride home. The coworker agreed to swing by to pick Mr. Marzipan up at the bottom of our street and bring him to my parents' house for dinner.

When Mr. Marzipan left the house, he noticed that the neighbors across the street had shoveled their cars out as well. But instead of piling the snow out of the way, they dumped it in the middle of the street, blocking our cars in with about a four-foot wall of snow. They did this last time there was a huge snowfall. Mr. Marzipan spoke sharply to them at the time and they shrugged and said they didn't feel like hauling the snow anywhere else. Despite the fact that this is a clear case for justifiable homicide, we did not kill them at the time.

So after dinner at my parents' house, my dad drove us home. He got about halfway down our street when we could go no further because of a stuck car in front of us. My dad and Mr. Marzipan got out to help him. "I was doing all right," he said, "until I hit this WALL OF SNOW." He gestured at the glacier in front of our house.

My dad was stunned. He turned to Mr. Marzipan. "When you said they had shoveled snow in front of your cars, I didn't quite realize what you meant."

Mr. Marzipan looked grim.

I hustled the kids inside and got them ready for bed. Outside, Mr. Marzipan and my father had given up trying to shovel. My dad turned his SUV around and - because he is that kind of guy - found a suitable tow-line in his trunk. He hitched it to the guy's sedan and hauled him up our street and onto the main road. He returned to help Mr. Marzipan deal with the snow.

They started shoveling the snow back around the neighbor's cars. After a time, the neighbor noticed this and came out yelling. His wife shrieked from the steps that she was calling the police. Mr. Marzipan offered her his cell phone.

"The plow is coming!" our neighbor insisted. "Who cares if it's in the street?!"

Mr. Marzipan said that he cared considerably, as the county informed him that the plow might not be by until Saturday and he would like to go to work in the morning.

"Where were you this morning when we were all out shoveling?" his wife demanded. "Why didn't you help?"

"Because I did it yesterday," Mr. Marzipan explained with thinning patience. "That is why I am pissed."

"You should have knocked on our door," she insisted.

"Last time I did that, your husband said he didn't feel like moving it. So now I'm moving it. And I'm going to pick where it goes." He and my dad started shoveling again, to the background of a volley of curses from the neighbor and his wife.

The neighbor, underestimating how pissed Mr. Marzipan and Dad of Marzipan were, got into his car to back it up, theorizing that no one would dare shovel snow directly on his car. He miscalculated.

By sheer accident, my dad dumped a shovelful of snow on the car just as the neighbor got out. It covered him and then he pretty much lost it. He threw snow at my dad who - being about 7 inches taller than the neighbor - had a distinct advantage. Many shovelsful of snow were exchanged, with my dad being the clear victor. Another guy came out in a show of support for the snow-dumping neighbor. Ungentlemanly sentiments were exchanged.

Other neighbors, drawn by the shouting, emerged to see what was going on. Mr. Marzipan, realizing that this was going nowhere fast, pretty much invited Jerk Neighbor to either help with the shoveling or take his punishment like a man. After much grumbling, he decided to view Mr. Marzipan's offer as being somehow humbling to Mr. Marzipan and, with great condescension, agreed to help shovel. Other neighbors helped as well. The father of the family next door informed Mr. Marzipan and my dad that he was glad somebody finally had the balls to hand the guy's ass to him. (Well, he didn't say it quite like that because he is a very kind-spoken Pakistani gentlemen, but that was the gist of it.)

My dad then towed Mr. Marzipan's car around the corner in case of late-night mischief.

This morning, several neighbors came over to shake Mr. Marzipan's hand. "I called the county about the plow," one of them said. "They told me they wouldn't come back until people quit shoveling snow in the road."

In Which We Prepare For Snowmageddon II: The Re-Snowening

2010-02-09T10:04:00.012-05:00

You guys. There is a metric shit ton of snow in Baltimore right now. (The metric shit ton, in case you are interested, is 240 pounds heavier than the imperial shit ton.) When I measured Sunday, I had about 34 inches of snow on my lawn. AlmondGirl spent the night at my parents' on Friday and the roads were so bad they couldn't get her home until Sunday afternoon. She reported that they gave her too much sugar.

Another 16-22 inches of snow is on the way.

I love snow. I do. I love the coziness of being safe inside and watching it come tumbling down from the leaden sky, piling up in improbable little puffs and softening the hard edges of the world. I love how clean and inviting it looks, bluish in the hollows and blinding in sunlight. I like knowing that people are being forced to slow down, staying in to play board games and bake cookies. I brought cocoa out for the neighbors while they were all out freeing their cars.

That said, things are getting a bit out of hand. My husband is developing a deep and abiding hatred for our shovel. If I bake anything else, I will have to be removed from the house via forklift come spring. My children will probably not be back to school until late April at this point. Facebook is alive with "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR KIDS WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP???!1!!1!" (Today, the answer to that question is "bringing them to Marzipan's house." Six-kid playdate planned. I am making pizzas and will share the recipe in my next post.)

But in the spirit of fun, I will share with you these pictures.

AlmondGirl's Calvin and Hobbes style Drowning Snowman.

Mr. Marzipan shoveling. He is 6'5, for reference.

Where the sidewalk ends:

AlmondBoy and I say "to hell with this" and go in for cocoa.

In Which I Prepare For Snow And Valentine's Day

2010-02-04T14:06:00.005-05:00

We're due for about two feet of snow this weekend. It's supposed to start tomorrow and last through Saturday night and I AM SO EXCITED! I love snow. This has been a very snowy winter indeed and I couldn't be happier about it.

Forseeing a possible snow-in, I'm going out tonight to pick up ~~shoes for the romantical Valentine's evening Mr. Marzipan and I have planned~~ supplies to make Valentines for AlmondGirl's classmates. I also signed up to make cookies for their Valentine's Day party, so maybe we'll bake cookies this weekend too. They freeze well. I use this recipe from Epicurious for my cutouts, and I think the subtle nutmeg flavor really adds a lot to the standard sugar cookie experience. I've also heard good things about this shortbread though. Perhaps two batches of cookies are in order...

Frosting-wise, I'll probably do standard royal icing. I like do to a piped edge and then flood the center before letting the kids decorate with various sprinkle.

Cookies! Snow! Arts and crafts! I'm such a child.

In Which I Am A Bit Sappy

2010-02-03T09:00:00.003-05:00

I don't usually care for this sort of thing, but my friend Erin had this vid on her Facebook page and it spoke to me so deeply that I got teary watching it. I hope it speaks to you too. Share it with someone you love.

In Which I Am Annoyingly Indecisive

2010-02-01T11:41:00.010-05:00

I am bad at making decisions. I am a waffler. And when those decisions involve sizable outlays of cash, I am even more indecisive. Mr. Marzipan and I both enjoy photography and have decided to go ahead and treat ourselves to a beginner DSLR now that the kids are old enough to be taught to fear death and dismemberment if they break the camera or touch it or look at it for too long with great intensity. Also because our current camera is suffering from a lingering malaise where it will intermittently not work/take shitty pictures/refuse to be on speaking terms with the computer.

We went to the camera store yesterday where I was highly overstimulated and made rodent-style squeaky noises and bounced a little on my toes. Mr. Marzipan eventually became tired of trying to prevent the children from doing the kind of damage that would wipe out our retirement funds. He took them to Trader Joe's while I beheld a Nikon display with the big starry eyes one generally associates with anime characters.

The nice man there took out a few models for me to play with, as though I don't haunt his store like the ghost of Ansel Adams. After a moment I set down the D5000 and cradled the D90 in my hands. "Pretty," I breathed, pushing buttons and listening to it whir in a soothing fashion.

"It has an 800 volt capacitron with a 550 gigahertz quantronium adjustificator," the man assured me. Something like that, anyway.

"Ah," I said, nodding sagely, sizing up the macro lenses.

We shared a moment of understanding before I handed the camera back. "Well, I'll be back once I decide," I promised him. For the third time. I wandered over to Trader Joe's where my son was drinking decaf and my daughter was stalking a kid who was hiding the Pirate Bear, so that she could then retrieve it and turn it in for a lollipop.

"Have we made a decision yet?" inquired my husband, eating the little chicken samples they had available at the sample station.

"Um," I said.

"I see."

My daughter returned with the Pirate Bear, looking triumphant. "I found him! And I'm getting two lollipops. One for each of us," she clarified, as her brother had begun to look mutinous.

We finished our shopping and then went to my parents' house for dinner. (Tacos.) The highlight of the evening was watching Mr. Marzipan and my parents play Outdoor Challenge on Wii. My mother is like a savant at Mole Stomper.

If I had a better camera, I'd've taken pictures to show you.

In Which I Fail At Parenting But Succeed At Muffins

2010-01-29T15:04:00.012-05:00

This morning I drove AlmondGirl to the bus stop which was devoid of people and, after a few minutes of waiting, also still of the bus. So I drove up the the school which was desolate as well. "Huh!" I exclaimed, idling in front of the playground like the Creepy Person I warn my kids about.

"Mrs. K said 'see you on Monday,'" my daughter piped up from the back. "That's why there was no homework last night."

"Well," I said, waiting for some kind of Parenting Cop to materialize and issue me a citation of stupidity. "Well."

I called my son's school to ascertain whether or not it was open (it was) and I dropped him off while figuring out how to reconfigure my morning. Miles to run, bread to bake, chickens to brine...crap.

I called my friend whose daughter is the same age as AlmondGirl. "No school today," I remarked when she answered.

She agreed that this was the case.

"I might be an idiot," I said, and told her what I had done. Because she is my friend, she laughed at me and suggested I drop AlmondGirl off to keep her daughter busy. I happily accepted. She is a good friend.

Also, I made her thank-you muffins. Banana ones frosted with peanut butter-molasses frosting and topped with Reese's Pieces.

Banana Muffins

4 large bananas, mashed

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1 slightly beaten egg

1/4 cup melted butter or vegetable oil

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups flour

Walnuts or chocolate chips, optional

Mix the mashed banana, sugar, egg and butter together. Set aside. In a separate bowl, mix together baking soda, baking powder, salt and flour. Combine wet and dry ingredients, stirring as little as possible to keep the muffins tender.

Divide among 12 greased muffin tins. Don't use paper liners.

Bake at 350 degrees F oven for approximately 20 minutes.

Peanut Butter Frosting

So this is an adaptation of another recipe because I like very, very peanut-buttery peanut butter frosting if I'm going to bother.

1 jar good peanut butter (no Skippy or Jif or what have you)

1 tablespoon molasses

3 - 3 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar

1 stick butter, softened

2-4 tablespoons of milk

Cream butter using the paddle attachment of a mixer, then beat in the peanut butter and molasses until smooth. Beat in 3 cups of sifted sugar, then the milk and any more sugar as needed. Resist impulse to eat with spoon.

In Which I Talk About My Weight Loss

2010-01-27T09:43:00.016-05:00

Other than "Did you really once drunkenly break your nose after drinking an entire bottle of sweet vermouth?" (yes) and "You do realize that you and David Duchovny are both happily married to other people and there is not ever going to be anything between you and also he's like the same age as your dad?" (LIES! LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU), the question I am most commonly asked is, "So how'd you lose all that freakin' weight?"

Well, I will tell you. It's not always something I'm comfortable talking about, but I'm trying to get over that and have decided to share the whole megillah here. First, some backstory. I had a very nice hourglass-style figure with a lovely flat stomach in high school. But because I was angsty and teenaged and heroin chic was supposedly the Hottest Thing Ever, I was not enamored of my figure back then. Which is such a shame, really. I hope my daughter doesn't go through that.

Here's me in eleventh grade, convinced I was about the dimensions of a missile silo. Not long after this was taken - inspired by the Victorians, I suppose - I thought about Ruby Gillis and Honoria Dedlock and there was something so terribly appealing about that sort of delicate, fragile beauty. I went through this dreadful Consumptive Heroine phase where I became a vegan and got way too thin and my hair was all limp and falling out. Sexy.

This is the summer before college. I had put some weight back on and, if I may say, looked pretty darn good. I worked at Abercrombie and Fitch and got a discount on their clothes. I looked like a prep school reject.

And this from around the time my husband and I started dating seriously. I was 19 here.

I put on a lot of weight after switching birth control and dealing with some depression. Then I quit smoking for our first anniversary and put on more weight. Which didn't so much help with the depression. Which, in turn, didn't so much help with the weight. Lather, rinse, repeat. Then I got pregnant with AlmondGirl and, one year later, with AlmondBoy. I don't really recognize myself in these pictures.

AlmondGirl was a few months old here. Yikes.

This is when she was around ten months old, at a Mother's Day picnic. (No, I did not eat the entire picnic myself.)

("After" pictures at the end, fear not!)

I lost some weight before getting pregnant with AlmondBoy (which was about two months after that Mother's Day picture was taken) but pregnancy put an end to that. I really, really wanted to lose the weight, but as you can tell, it had gotten pretty daunting. We bought a treadmill, but I felt too out of shape to use it. And I was too self-conscious for the gym. I was too self-conscious for almost everything, really. I am a total clotheshorse but hated clothes shopping because I was up to a size 28 at my heaviest. I made myself lots of promises, but never followed through. I considered a gastric bypass when AlmondBoy was about 8 months old, in November of '07. It felt like my only option, but the insurance company was giving a lot of pushback.

Note: None of what is about to follow is to be taken as expert advice. I'm not a nutritionist or a dietitian. I'm just sharing what worked for me.

Late in February of '08, I decided to order all nine seasons of The X-Files (shut up) on DVD. My mother would get on her treadmill for like an hour a day and watch TV or movie, but I knew there was no way I could even walk at a good clip for 44 minutes. I decided I'd watch an episode a day, half on the treadmill, half on the couch. So I started out by walking 22 minutes a day at 4 miles an hour. The weight loss goal ahead of me felt completely insurmountable, so I decided to ignore that number. I think of increments of ten pounds as "decades," so I just made my goal to get below the next "decade." That seemed manageable.

My issues with food have always revolved more about portion control than the actual content. I can count on my fingers the number of fast food meals I've eaten. My husband and I have always avoided processed food, and I have never been one to drink my calories. But the fact remains that even if it's homemade organic cheesecake, it's still cheesecake. So I started limiting desserts to weekends only. I forced myself to quit having seconds of anything other than veggies at dinner.

The first goal (around 8 pounds) came off in about two weeks. I bought a belt. Around that time I started noticing that I wasn't glancing hopefully at the timer on the treadmill anymore. I started watching 3/4 of an episode at a time, instead of half. Then I started adding a little speed. I still kept my weight loss goals small and manageable. I bought a few items of clothing I adored and hung them on the wall in front of the treadmill as inspiation. I overhauled my eating habits, and started running on the treadmill for short bursts. By midsummer, I could run for a whole episode at 5 miles an hour. I was down to a size 18. I wasn't compelled to shop in plus size stores/departments anymore, which was a huge milestone in itself.

In October, I ended up with Achilles tendonitis and had to quit using the treadmill as my primary source of exercise. I joined a gym (TERRIFYING that first day!) and started playing with the weight machines. I took a few classes, because they were all included in the price. I had been thin before, but never toned, and I loved how strong I started feeling.

Here's a list of some of the dietary changes and things that really helped me.

1 ) No carbs before noon or after 7 PM. This was just in the beginning, to really help me get used to a different way of eating. It, along with the dessert thing, was only for the first three months. Now, I don't buy into the Atkins thing so yeah, I was technically eating carbs because I'd have an apple or low-cal yogurt something for breakfast. But no "floury" carbs like bread, Goldfish, crackers, etc. The times I set were arbitrary, but for me, it made me really, really aware of what I was eating. No grabbing a granola bar on the way out, or eating Cheez-Its while I read before bed. It also made sure that I started my day by eating fruit and protein instead of crap. My metabolism really took off. Also, I try and have protein after every workout. You don't need to waste money on fancy protein bars. I have them on occasion, but they're high in calories and expensive. String cheese, beef jerky, a hard boiled egg, a yogurt. All good. I also use The Daily Plate when I start going off track, because it curbs impulse eating.

2 ) No desserts at first. Yeah, it really sucked for a while. But after 12 weeks of virtually eliminating sweets, I found they didn't taste so great anymore. Sugar gives me a headache now. I used to have a raging sweet tooth but it's gone now and I find it much easier to self-regulate. I can have a handful of M&Ms instead of a bag.

3 ) Avoid the temptation for all "diet" stuff. While I do like low-cal yogurts, that's one of the few things where I eat the "fake" kind. Not only is it less satisfying and makes you want more, artificial sweeteners can seriously fuck up your metabolism. So the diet soda, SnackWells, etc. really are best avoided. Stevia is pretty good for everyday use in coffee or tea.

4 ) Try to eat "volumetrically." Now, there is something called The Volumetric Diet, but I wouldn't even bother giving it a glance if I were you. I have found that "diets" don't work. Lifestyle changes work. So when I say "eat volumetrically," I mean to think about getting the most caloric bang for your buck. I love the 100 calorie packs of microwave popcorn. I mean, it's all that popcorn for 100 calories, or I can have 4 Old Tyme pretzels. Bulk up a turkey wrap with dried cranberries, bean sprouts, roasted corn, etc. They won't add many calories but they do add flavor and make you feel fuller. I'm also a big advocate of salads because they really stretch high calorie things things like cheese or crispy-skinned chicken.

5 ) Weigh yourself if you feel like it. Gym people will tell you not to weigh yourself more than once a week. Well, here's the thing. Gym people are not typically trying to lose large amounts of weight. When you've struggled with your weight for a long time, every single .5 pounds down can feel like a victory. I weigh myself far too often (I won't even tell you - it's pathological) but I'm not obsessed with it. It just really helps me stay focused and reminds me of how far I've come.

6 ) Don't get too wedded to calorie counting. Also, all calories are not created equal. 200 calories of lean protein and fresh vegetables is better for you than 75 calories of carbs. I lost most of my weight without calorie counting.

7 ) Buy some milestone pieces for your wardrobe. If you see some awesome jeans on sale that are 2 sizes too small, buy them if you can afford it. Try them on every so often. I have found that it really gives me a tangible connection and makes this really feel like a journey. On a related note, hang on to a few things that are too big. You lose perspective of how much weight you've lost after a while and it helps ground you.

8 ) Set manageable goals. You will psych yourself out if you try to lose 40 pounds or whatever. Pick a small goal. My first goal was to get down to the next set of numbers. Doing it in pieces made it easier. I also tied that in with the milestone clothes I got. Sometimes, instead of a pound goal, I'd decide that I wanted to be in the blue skirt by June.

9 ) Drink lots of water. Lots and lots. I try to drink enough that my sweat barely tastes salty. Staying hydrated reduces hunger, builds stamina, flushes out fat, keeps your skin looking young, and can increase your metabolism by up to 3%. Also, what many people don't know is that in humans, the thirst sensation is often hugely overshadowed by the hunger sensation. Many times we eat when we're actually thirsty. I used to have signs on my pantry and fridge that said, "are you sure you aren't thirsty?" After two months it became reflexive to drink first when I was going for a snack.

I've lost 117 pounds. It took me about 18 months, and I've kept it off since. I'm planning to have some plastic surgery to tighten up the areas where the skin is too stretched to snap back, but I feel like a different person. It's amazing.

Every year, in early March, my husband and I go to a particular charity event. Here's a picture of us on our way there in March of '08, just after I started losing weight. I am wearing a corset and support hose under that dress.

Here's us a year later, about to head out. Beneath this dress? Plain old cotton underwear.

Here are a few more after shots that I really like.

Anyway. That's my story.

In Which My Son Is Totally Pathetic And Things Are Not Set Aflame

2010-01-24T16:35:00.005-05:00

We had dinner with some friends last night at Sushi Hana in Mount Washington. I hadn't been to that location before, but the food was even better than the Towson one. We ordered a metric ton of food, and one of our dining companions noticed another table receiving a tray of Mystery Rolls which had been ignited and were burning quite impressively. She asked the waitress to add "the burning thing" to our order. But after we had gorged ourselves on an immodest array of foodstuffs, we realized that the flaming suhsi had never arrived. We were disappointed but too stuffed to do anything about it. Yay for an excuse to go back and eating flaming things!

We went to The Papermoon for dessert, which always brings back fond memories of college, because I practically lived on their barstools for a few semesters. I'd sit in a dark corner and smoke horrifying amounts of cigarettes while studying ghost cells or muscle insertions or some crap. But I quit smoking over 7 years ago, and you can't smoke in there anymore anyway, which as a Libertarian I deplore and as an individual person who thinks cigarettes are flagrantly stupid, I like. In any case, we had the bread pudding. It was good, but the Dark Side of the Moon cake is superior.

So. We get home at around 10:30 or so. At 11 AlmondBoy awakes, screaming as though he is undergoing some sort of ancient Chinese torture designed for maximum volume output. He said his mouth hurt. Then he screamed some more. The only breaks in his hour-long screamathon were (1) yawning from exhasution (2) vomiting up the pain medicine I gave him. So Mr. Marzipan took him to the ER while I stayed home and fretted. AlmondBoy continued to scream until someone there gave him oxycodone and put everyone out of his misery. They diagnosed him with a pretty severe ear infection, of which he has already had like a dozen. He and Mr. Marzipan got home around 2 AM. We snuggled into bed and enjoyed an interlude of sleep.

At 5 AM, there was more screaming. Because AlmondBoy had thrown up all over his bed. One bath and some laundry later, we were all back in bed. I dozed off again at 6.

AlmondGirl poked me awake at 7 to let me know she was slowly starving to death and needed breakfast NOW or she'd probably waste away to nothing and could I get UP. I lacked the energy to ask her if some kind of memory wipe had done away with her ability to peel bananas or obtain cheese or open a granola bar. Mr. Marzipan escorted her downstairs, we he discovered that one of the cats, in a grand gesture of interspecies solidarity with AlmondBoy, had thrown up on the table.

I made bread and strawberry jam to keep myself awake. I did laundry. I sang a disturbing amount of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. AlmondBoy spent a largish part of the day in his skeleton pajamas, languishing on the couch, rotting his brain with Bugs Bunny. (Secret Mom Confession: Sick kids are really cuddly, which is so sweet.) Later on, two of our friends came over to visit this afternoon and brought me some Gnosis Immunity Boost chocolate on account of I am looking like Death's spinster aunt these days. They are homeopathic, all-natural, yoga type people and seemed rather horrified that we are planning to have tubes put in AlmondBoy's ears. They gave us the number of a lady who does [thing] with infrared light. I'm fairly openminded and trend towards granolaism in some ways, but I'm also a member of the Well Why Don't We Just Try Some SCIENCE Up In This Joint? School of Not Being Ill. But I'm going to call, because anesthesia makes me twitchy and, hey, what the hell?

In Which I Reacquaint Myself With Breakfast

2010-01-21T08:40:00.008-05:00

Speaking generally, I have a bad habit of either skipping breakfast or eating something soulless like a granola bar, a yogurt, or a piece of fruit. I'm an early riser - almost always up before six - but even then, it's hard. I never have an appetite when I first wake up, and there's always stuff to do (laundry, dishes, e-mails to answer) - not to mention getting the kids ready and out the door. But I know that I feel better when I have a good breakfast. My workout is easier, I'm far less cranky, and it's pleasant to take some time to myself in the morning. My doctor has advised me to have more protein and antioxidants, so I have tried to make that advice a part of every meal to the best of my ability.

Last night I had made some mushrooms to go with dinner. I emptied a big container (a really big one from a warehouse store) of sliced white mushrooms into a pan, seasoned them with some ground ginger and garlic salt, added in a couple of tablespoons of water, and cooked with a lid over medium heat for a few minutes. I had also steamed a couple pounds of asparagus.

This morning I took a cup of leftover mushrooms, chopped up about a half-dozen stalks of asparagus, rewarmed both items, and topped them with two over-easy eggs. I had a hot mug of blueberry tisane and some tangy cold V8 on the side. The whole thing took approximately 7 minutes to prepare, and that includes heating the egg pan. The bland richness of the yolks was delicious over the juicy, gingery mushrooms and the bright green taste of the asparagus. I read from Beard On Food as I ate.

Here is the nutritional breakdown for this meal, according to The Daily Plate:

Calories 232

Fat 9

Cholesterol 430

Sodium 616

Carbs 19

Sugar 12

Fiber 9

Protein 19

I should note that I have very low cholesterol and blood pressure, so I don't much worry about sodium or cholesterol in my food.

I should also note that I really, really need to go ahead and get that new camera because this is just pathetic. I hate my flash so very much.

In Which I Think Deborah Madison Is A Bit Pretentious

2010-01-19T17:16:00.005-05:00

So last night I finished Deborah Madison's What We Eat When We Eat Alone and I'm not sure quite how I feel about it. I like the premise. The first time I read about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, I was quite taken with the idea that things behave one way under observation and quite another when left to their own devices. And what is true of particles should necessarily be true of us, right? We're macroscopic clusters of particles.

In any case, the premise of this book was to (informally) collect data on what people eat when there's no spouse/child/friend/parent/boss/etc. watching. And I have come to the conclusion that Deborah Madison encounters people very different from myself and the people I know. Here's the thing: I love food. I love cooking. I love fussy, pain-in-the-ass recipes that specify points of origin for vanilla beans. I own a ravioli press. I have strong opinions on bottled lemon juice. I am an unapologetic food snob whose children have never consumed a single solitary Chicken McNugget.

But.

The people in Deborah's book seem to unfailingly eat elaborate, grown-up things when they are alone. Not one of the replies in the 250-ish pages was anything like "I make some toast which I slather with Nutella and bananas and I eat that while roasting marshmallows over the stove. Then I wash all that down with an inch of terrible wine left in the back of the fridge from a chicken recipe. I have three Andes candies to cleanse my palate, then I eat some bison jerky, four saltines, and the last half-cup of eggnog ice cream in the container."

Am I really the only person who does this on occasion? I felt like such an ass reading about some med student making himself "cinnamon-scented quinoa with almonds and pine nuts, chili-and-garlic sauteed chard, all topped with eggs cooked over easy." And you guys! His accompanying rotisserie chicken came from a progressive grocer. I don't even know what the hell that is. I mean, it all sounds awesome. It really does. And I do things like that for myself at times. I guess I was just expecting a little more...I don't know. A PostSecret type confessional for foodies from this, maybe.

When no one is watching, I eat cheese made from the milk of a regular old cow.

I drink wine coolers.

I like that gross pudding from industrial sized cans.

Sometimes I have fantasies about cellophane-wrapped food products that can withstand a nuclear holocaust.

But what can I expect from a woman who is horrified by frozen vegetables?

In Which I Will Have The Sexy Walk But No Pants

2010-01-16T13:38:00.008-05:00

So I go to the gym for two hours a day about 4-5 days a week. I've been going to my current gym for about 18 months now, and because I am a committed People Watcher and also egocentric, I have given many of the regulars little pet names, as though they are there performing impromptu theater for my express entertainment. There's Greyhound Woman, an elegant lady so unbelievably long and lithe that she has got to be a genetic mutant of some kind. There's GI Jane, a woman I'm pretty sure could knock me unconscious with one blow from her mighty fist. Others include Hot FBI Agent, The Chick Who Thinks I Look Like Annabeth Gish, The Ringer, Bosu Girl, The Bride, Clint Eastwood, and Kerchief Guy. There's also a man I have privately dubbed The Mystic. He is an elderly Indian gentleman with a shorn head and a nearly skeletal physique. I usually encounter him in the hot tub, where I take a post-workout soak and he engages in a mysterious 10 minute routine of head dunking and 90-degree turns. Today he spoke to me for the first time, and told me that I should learn to swim. And that I need to take yoga. He also advised belly dancing, an activity he greatly enjoys. He assured me that three months of belly dancing would tone my thighs and give me "the sexy walk." We chatted for a bit about belly dancing - which he and his concave stomach demonstrated - and then I had to excuse myself for a shower before fetching my kids from the child care room.

After my shower I pulled my clothes from my duffel bag and realized I had no pants. Or cell phone. So I wrapped myself in the towel and went back to the pool area to interrupt the lifeguard mid-conversation with a friend to see if I could use the phone. He asked if everything was okay. I glanced around surreptitiously and then, refusing to be cowed by a teenaged boy in swim trunks, I straightened my bare shoulders and loftily informed him that I had forgotten my pants. He stared at me for a moment while his buddy snickered a little. Then he loaned me his phone. I called my husband and, after he stopped laughing, he said he'd be right over.

Perhaps if I take belly dancing for three months, I will be happy to walk around pantsless.

In Which I Am So Tired I Could Cry

2010-01-15T07:27:00.007-05:00

Two nights ago - perhaps traumatized by the violent fish death - AlmondGirl staggered into our bedroom at two AM. "I threw up!" she said, and then demonstrated on the rug. So we were up cleaning and laundering and bathing. Mr. Marzipan, of course, had to be up at five that morning, so I told him to go back to bed. I took the girl downstairs and fed her Saltines and mint tea, then escorted her back to bed and prayed that she wouldn't pee in her sleep.

I am one of those unfortunate souls who, once awake, is awake for good. I puttered around the kitchen for a bit and made some sandwich bread. I have been making my own in recent months due to frugality, personal enjoyment, and family preference. I use this recipe, but generally substitute whole wheat flour for the AP. And, because I hate having a bajillion kinds of flour in my pantry, I use unbleached AP + vital wheat gluten in place of bread flour. I also add in two cups of wheat bran per recipe.

If you've worked with whole wheat flour much, you know that it doesn't rise as high as white. It is one of those sad facts of virtuous living, I'm afraid. But yesterday, feeling pitiful over exhaustion and fish-killing, I made a single loaf with all white flour (still put in the wheat bran though) and it was scrumptious. The loaf rose beautifully, though a little unevenly because delirious people don't shape perfect bread.

AlmondGirl stayed home yesterday and we obtained Danielle the Second at the Aquarium Depot, and a variety of other fish related products so that the Aquarium Depot employees can go out and buy villas in Tuscany for when their children are exhausted from ski trips to Vail.

Anyway. For dinner last night we had Diner Meatloaf Muffins with raw sugar snap peas and baked sweet potatoes topped with brown sugar. Then, of course, AlmondGirl woke up at 4AM in search of tea and a cream cheese sandwich.

And so I continue to be sleepy, alas.

In Which I Kill Fish And Share Recipes (Unrelated Events)

2010-01-13T19:02:00.011-05:00

Item the first: My kids have been begging for a fish tank for over a year. We finally broke down and got a 10-gallon setup despite my feeling that fish are pointless and hateful pets. So today, we merrily (some of us, anyway) trooped off to the Aquarium Depot where we obtained two balloon mollies and two spotted platies. By 6:00 they were happily swimming about. AlmondGirl named them Snow White, Belle, Jasmine, and Danielle.

At 6:15 my dad stopped by and noticed the filter wasn't pumping very well.

At 6:16 the filter ejected a mangled but twitching balloon molly.

Which the children watched in horrified fascination.

Which I scooped into a plastic bag, took outside, and killed to end its suffering.

AlmondGirl played a dirge for the dead fish (Danielle) on the piano while AlmondBoy wandered about saying how sad all the other fish must be.

Turns out the filter was missing some kind of piece it needed, which my dad and I MacGyvered from a piece of mesh onion bag and a rubber band. So I'll need to go get that tomorrow and a replacement molly and...just...ARGH.

Item the second: The food consumed during this tragedy was tasty. I was going to take pictures, but what with the impromptu mercy killing I didn't get around to it.

Anyway, my friend Annelise shared with me the Cooking Light recipes for Pulled Pork Barbecue Sandwiches and Tangy Apple Slaw. We ate them on Trader Joe's whole wheat hamburger buns and found them quite delicious. I do prefer a more vinegary sauce, however, and made one on the side of brown sugar, cider vinegar, and corn-syrup-free ketchup. I liked it better than the one in the recipe. The kids both loved the sandwiches, but AlmondGirl didn't care for the slaw. AlmondBoy ate two helpings of it. I did too. Mr. Marzipan isn't home yet, but I believe he will be a fan of the leftovers.

Dessert was Cooking Light's Strawberry Buttermilk Gelato. It is scrumptious.

Bienvenue!

2010-01-12T07:03:00.001-05:00

Hi, the internet! Lots of friends have been advising me to start a blog, and so I have and this is it. I'm not terrifically interesting, but I am interested in lots of things and I will be rambling about them in this space. A brief introduction:

I'm a 29 year old stay-at-home-mother of two. In the past two years I have lost and kept off 117 pounds through diet and exercise. I'd very seriously considered a gastric bypass at one point, but the fact is that I love food and was saddened by the thought of giving it up. There will be lots of food and cooking talk here. I am interested in fitness as well, but that's generally not as fun to read about.

I read a lot. I did the 50 Books In 2009 challenge last year, and ended up reading 71 books. So there will probably also be book talk.

Expect to hear about my family, my friends, and my attempts at cultivating a hobby. (One of my New Year's resolutions is to cultivate a hobby of some sort, but I am not particularly successful at that kind of thing in general. Right now the hobby is to be sewing, but we'll see how it goes.)

So anyway, welcome to my little corner of the web. I look forward to seeing you around!