In Which I Make Things Out Of Bananas And Chocolate

Okay, first of all, I need to kill one of my neighbors. Someone keeps putting trash in one of my recycling bins and the recycling people won't take it. It is driving me crazy. The recycling bins are in the house and I take them to the curb on Thursday night for the Friday morning pickup. This morning one of my bins was left because there was a chicken tray covered with maggots perched on top of my recyclables because there isn't a lid. So I had to take that off and then pick about a dozen maggots off of my recycling so that I didn't have to trash it all. Thanks, asshole.

In more delicious news, I have done quite a bit of baking due to numerous parties in June. The titles link you to the recipes and my notes are underneath.

Banana Layer Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting

This is the most delicious banana cake I have ever eaten. It practically begs for some dark rum and possibly some coconut, so I think I'll play around with that next time I make it.

* I made this cake in two 9-inch pans instead of three 8-inch.

* I used four bananas instead of two to make the cake more moist and banana-y. And I let my mixer mash them because I am lazy.

* I used nonfat plain yogurt in place of buttermilk

* I found that the frosting needed more than the recommended amount of powdered sugar. I probably used closer to 2 1/2 - 3 cups, but your mileage may vary.

* To fill the cake required about two bananas. I did a layer of cake, a layer of frosting, a layer of sliced bananas, another layer of frosting, cale, and then covered the whole think thickly with frosting. I put it in the fridge before stacking on the second layer of cake in order to let the filling firm up.

*I kept it in the refrigerator overnight and it was still extremely moist the next day.

***

Bittersweet Chocolate Cake

This is a cake for people who love good dark chocolate. I don't think it would do well with milky stuff at all.

* I used 60% cacao chocolate for this cake. For eating chocolate, I like 85%, but I think that the subtle, complex sweetness of such a dark chocolate would be lost in this confection and therefore I went with something much sweeter.

* With only three ingredients, the flavors need to shine. Buy the best ingredients you can for this one, folks. Use good, vegetarian-fed eggs with lovely orange yolks and a dense, high-fat butter with a fresh, creamy taste. You'll be so glad you did.

* I cooked it for the recommended 20 minutes and found it ever so slightly dry. I think 17 or 18 would have been better.

* I served this confection with a tart raspberry coulis and lightly sweetened rum whipped cream. The flavors and textures came together quite nicely.

* If you've never made raspberry coulis, it is quite simple. Thaw a bag of frozen raspberries, stir in 3 tablespoons of sugar (or to taste), about a 1/4 cup of water, and a teaspoon or so of fresh lemon juice (if you like), allow to sit together for about an hour, puree, then press the whole mixture through a mesh strainer to remove the seeds. It's a lovely fresh sauce and, mixed with some balsamic vinegar and olive oil, an excellent salad dressing. Fresh mint perks up the coulis nicely as well. Note: If you use frozen raspberries in syrup rather than just regular frozen berries, omit the water and reduce the sugar to 2 tablespoons.

AlmondBoy approved:














***

White Chip Chocolate Cookies

These were pretty to look at and had a scrumptious, fudgey crumb. I made them using a cookie scoop, which made for perfectly round, thick cookies. Mine baked in the center of the oven for exactly ten minutes.

* My only note is to keep the dough cold at all times. Chill before scooping, and keep in the fridge between batches. Other than that, no changes. These are wonderful.

***

Chernowitzer Challah

This is my standard challah recipe and my absolute favorite. I get 16 rolls per batch. No changes because Maggie Glezer is a genius.

***

No-Knead Bread

I love this bread. It's easy, it's delicious, and almost foolproof. It lends itself wonderfully to add-ins like rosemary, dates, walnuts, kalamata olives, sundried tomatoes...the possibilities are endless.

* Don't skip the autolyse (that 15 minute rise under plastic) step. It really develops the flavor.

* I bake mine in a cast iron Dutch oven.

* For the final rise, I put the cotton towel/dough/wheat bran bundle on my pizza peel. I also usually need closer to 3 hours than 2 for a good rise.

***

Banana Split Trifle

I invented this dessert for my dad for some occasion or another, and it has become a family favorite. In fact, to encourage more frequent production, my dad purchased me a cherry pitter as a gift. I do not know how I lived without it.

Let me begin by saying that this is a fussy dessert in that it has lots of prep, but it can all be done well in advance. The ganache will keep in the fridge for a week; you'll just have to rewarm it. The cake will keep in the freezer for a couple of months if properly wrapped.

The structure of the dessert is a trifle dish with a layer of banana walnut cake, a layer of ganache, a layer of cherries, a layer of bananas, a layer of whipped cream, repeat.

You will need:

1 layer banana walnut cake
1 quart of heavy whipping cream
Ganache
1 lb pitted cherries, halved (Trader Joe's has a good price on organic Raniers right now)
3-4 ripe bananas (depending on size), sliced

For the cake, I use this recipe with a few modifications. You will not need to make the frosting, so only pull out 1 stick of butter.

* I double the amount of banana
* I use 2 9-inch pans
* I add in about 3/4 cup or so of chopped walnuts

Ganache is extremely simple to make. It is a 1:1 ration of heavy cream and chocolate, melted together. You'll need heavy whipping cream for the whipped cream layer, so buy one quart. Measure out a half cup of it and bring to a simmer in a small saucepan. Once the cream is simmering, remove it from the heat and stir in an equal amount of chocolate, either chips or chopped. I recommend bittersweet or semi sweet for this. Stir the chocolate until it is all melted in and the ganache is smooth. Allow to cool to room temperature.

For the whipped cream, I like to flavor mine with brown sugar and kirshwasser, but it's up to you. Just beat the rest of the quart of heavy whipping cream with your desired flavorings until stiff peaks form, taking care not to overbeat. (You'll get butter if you overbeat.)

Now, for the assembly:

Once your cakes are baked, turned from the pans, and completely cooled, wrap up one layer and freeze it for next time/snacking.

Divide the remaining layer in half and break each half into chunks, roughly 1 inch square. Put the cake into the trifle dish, pressing slightly to fill in the spaces. It's not an exact science, just somewhere between crumbs and chunks. Then drizzle the cake with room-temperature ganache.

Add a layer of cherry halves, then a layer of sliced bananas. Top with half of the whipped cream, then repeat the whole sequence. I like to decorate the top of mine with cake crumbs, chocolate drizzle, and a whole cherry. It keeps nicely in the fridge until you're ready to serve it.
































I have considered involving fresh pineapple in this recipe because I am fond of pineapple on my banana splits, but it's so good as-is. Maybe one day…

In Which I Have No Shame

I love sale shopping. I always feel faintly stupid when I pay full retail for an article of clothing, as though the store has bested me in an ongoing and elaborate battle of wits. I'm the slow-moving lady who peruses the shelves and stocks up on twenty bottles of clearance SPF 75 in October. I have a beautiful red satin evening gown that I love in part because it's beautiful and sexy but largely because I got it marked down from over $300 to $23. I haunt consignment shops and the Goodwill. (Really - you would not believe these fabulous Diesel jeans I picked up for $4.25.)

It annoys/amuses my husband at times I think. We sometimes have conversations like this:

Him: I like your shirt. Is it silk or something?

Me: Thank you, yes it is. I got it on clearance for $3.

This is in part because I do not cut corners on my food because I am a snob and therefore need to economize in other places. But I kind of get a rush from it, like a treasure hunt.

So today I was at Target, perusing the end caps as per usual (very good deals at the Owings Mills store, locals) when I found a shelf with about 30 packages of the store brand "personal warming gel" marked way down. This gave me pause. I recently attended one of those Very Special Grown Up Toy parties at a friend's house. The toy lady was raving about the benefits of such ointments and how they were the most glorious substances on earth and how unless you were a nun or a masochist, you should have an ample supply.

And there, in Target, I remembered her enthusiasm. I also remembered that she encouraged me to hold about a dozen different kinds of vibrators to the tip of my nose and that I had something called "The Dolphin" buzzing in my face when my friend's husband got home, but I can forgive. It had been a long time since I made such a purchase, but I had a vague idea that she was correct.

It was on sale, you guys. And so I bought discount generic personal warming gel. I feel like it would be awkward to remark upon the price if Mr. Marzipan likes it though.

In Which...Duh.

I went to the dentist this morning (and guess who needs braces?!) and ran into a woman I hadn't seen in three years. "Wow!" she said to me. "You look great. You look totally different! Did you do something to your hair? And your face looks thinner. Have you lost some weight?"

For reference, here's about how I looked the last time she saw me:















And present:














I get that asking people if they've lost weight can be awkward, but seriously. 120 pounds is enough that we don't need to be coy here.

In Which There Is No Water

On Saturday at around 11 AM-ish I was at the gym on the elliptical when an announcement came over the intercom stating that due to some kind of water main issue there was no water pressure at the gym and that this pretty much meant we were all SOL on showers and water fountains. A great and biblical groan rose up from those of us engaged in sweatiness related activities, but I finished my workout and managed to get enough water trickling out of the shower head to bathe myself decently. I gathered the kids and headed home, unaware of the fact that 100,000 people along the Reisterstown Road corridor had no water either.

"We have no water," my husband said upon my return. "This sucks."

It did suck. And it sucked even more than it usually would because every year we attend a fundraising event for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and the event was that Saturday night. My parents were coming over to watch the kids, but having someone watch small children with no working toilets is just blatantly mean. So we took the kids over to my parents' house and went to the event (which, by the way, has a Theme of Inexplicable Weirdness every year; this year being "Barn Chic") and then my dad said to just leave the kids for the night. Which we did.

Sunday brought no water. Local businesses were closed, and scouring the news revealed that the water main was hard to fix because - get this - there's a stream in the way. I have no water because there's water in the way of it getting to me. No water Sunday evening, so we all spent the night with my parents which is actually a little awesome because my parents have this lovely shower with 6 different showerheads and this bench thing and I believe it bathes you in the tears of angels.

Anyway.

Schools closed today due to the lack of water, but they're giving out potable and non-potable water at a municipal sportsplex. I have primarily been spending my free time (the gym is closed) eating.

Meh.

In Which There Is A Vendetta

Okay, so it snowed another 22 inches on Wednesday. That''s a lot of effing snow. (My friend Eleanore recommends that I start measuring in fuck-tons rather than shit-tons. I am taking this under advisement.)

Mr. Marzipan was out shoveling thrice on Wednesday because the snow was flinging itself angrily from the sky with no clear intention of ever stopping. He wanted to stay on top of it. So he cleared our steps and sidewalks and, because the road hadn't been plowed, shoveled our cars out and the section of road in front of our house. He piled up the snow on the little spit of sidewalk where the mailbox is. Most of our neighbors did the same, so while the road wasn't clear, it was reasonably passable for those with larger vehicles.

My dad has a very large, heavy, snow-capable SUV. He loaned it to me yesterday so I could get the kids out of the house and let Mr. Marzipan get some work done since his office was closed. My mother and I were out shopping and so my dad had a coworker give him a ride home. The coworker agreed to swing by to pick Mr. Marzipan up at the bottom of our street and bring him to my parents' house for dinner.

When Mr. Marzipan left the house, he noticed that the neighbors across the street had shoveled their cars out as well. But instead of piling the snow out of the way, they dumped it in the middle of the street, blocking our cars in with about a four-foot wall of snow. They did this last time there was a huge snowfall. Mr. Marzipan spoke sharply to them at the time and they shrugged and said they didn't feel like hauling the snow anywhere else. Despite the fact that this is a clear case for justifiable homicide, we did not kill them at the time.

So after dinner at my parents' house, my dad drove us home. He got about halfway down our street when we could go no further because of a stuck car in front of us. My dad and Mr. Marzipan got out to help him. "I was doing all right," he said, "until I hit this WALL OF SNOW." He gestured at the glacier in front of our house.

My dad was stunned. He turned to Mr. Marzipan. "When you said they had shoveled snow in front of your cars, I didn't quite realize what you meant."

Mr. Marzipan looked grim.

I hustled the kids inside and got them ready for bed. Outside, Mr. Marzipan and my father had given up trying to shovel. My dad turned his SUV around and - because he is that kind of guy - found a suitable tow-line in his trunk. He hitched it to the guy's sedan and hauled him up our street and onto the main road. He returned to help Mr. Marzipan deal with the snow.

They started shoveling the snow back around the neighbor's cars. After a time, the neighbor noticed this and came out yelling. His wife shrieked from the steps that she was calling the police. Mr. Marzipan offered her his cell phone.

"The plow is coming!" our neighbor insisted. "Who cares if it's in the street?!"

Mr. Marzipan said that he cared considerably, as the county informed him that the plow might not be by until Saturday and he would like to go to work in the morning.

"Where were you this morning when we were all out shoveling?" his wife demanded. "Why didn't you help?"

"Because I did it yesterday," Mr. Marzipan explained with thinning patience. "That is why I am pissed."

"You should have knocked on our door," she insisted.

"Last time I did that, your husband said he didn't feel like moving it. So now I'm moving it. And I'm going to pick where it goes." He and my dad started shoveling again, to the background of a volley of curses from the neighbor and his wife.

The neighbor, underestimating how pissed Mr. Marzipan and Dad of Marzipan were, got into his car to back it up, theorizing that no one would dare shovel snow directly on his car. He miscalculated.

By sheer accident, my dad dumped a shovelful of snow on the car just as the neighbor got out. It covered him and then he pretty much lost it. He threw snow at my dad who - being about 7 inches taller than the neighbor - had a distinct advantage. Many shovelsful of snow were exchanged, with my dad being the clear victor. Another guy came out in a show of support for the snow-dumping neighbor. Ungentlemanly sentiments were exchanged.

Other neighbors, drawn by the shouting, emerged to see what was going on. Mr. Marzipan, realizing that this was going nowhere fast, pretty much invited Jerk Neighbor to either help with the shoveling or take his punishment like a man. After much grumbling, he decided to view Mr. Marzipan's offer as being somehow humbling to Mr. Marzipan and, with great condescension, agreed to help shovel. Other neighbors helped as well. The father of the family next door informed Mr. Marzipan and my dad that he was glad somebody finally had the balls to hand the guy's ass to him. (Well, he didn't say it quite like that because he is a very kind-spoken Pakistani gentlemen, but that was the gist of it.)

My dad then towed Mr. Marzipan's car around the corner in case of late-night mischief.

This morning, several neighbors came over to shake Mr. Marzipan's hand. "I called the county about the plow," one of them said. "They told me they wouldn't come back until people quit shoveling snow in the road."

In Which We Prepare For Snowmageddon II: The Re-Snowening

You guys. There is a metric shit ton of snow in Baltimore right now. (The metric shit ton, in case you are interested, is 240 pounds heavier than the imperial shit ton.) When I measured Sunday, I had about 34 inches of snow on my lawn. AlmondGirl spent the night at my parents' on Friday and the roads were so bad they couldn't get her home until Sunday afternoon. She reported that they gave her too much sugar.

Another 16-22 inches of snow is on the way.

I love snow. I do. I love the coziness of being safe inside and watching it come tumbling down from the leaden sky, piling up in improbable little puffs and softening the hard edges of the world. I love how clean and inviting it looks, bluish in the hollows and blinding in sunlight. I like knowing that people are being forced to slow down, staying in to play board games and bake cookies. I brought cocoa out for the neighbors while they were all out freeing their cars.

That said, things are getting a bit out of hand. My husband is developing a deep and abiding hatred for our shovel. If I bake anything else, I will have to be removed from the house via forklift come spring. My children will probably not be back to school until late April at this point. Facebook is alive with "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR KIDS WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP???!1!!1!" (Today, the answer to that question is "bringing them to Marzipan's house." Six-kid playdate planned. I am making pizzas and will share the recipe in my next post.)

But in the spirit of fun, I will share with you these pictures.


AlmondGirl's Calvin and Hobbes style Drowning Snowman.












Mr. Marzipan shoveling. He is 6'5, for reference.















Where the sidewalk ends:





















AlmondBoy and I say "to hell with this" and go in for cocoa.